PC Plodmobile, NHS health drivel and a facelift for the London Tube


The papers are all hoovering up a police story today saying that 8,000 Brits a week are caught using a mobile phone while driving. That’s more than half a million a year. Or put another way, an awful lot of fine money and paperwork. And an awful lot of police time spent watching drivers.

Think about it: the average speed of a UK car is 38 miles per hour. How many cops are spending that amount of time spotting them, howTF do they do it, and shouldn’t they be doing something else?

Either this is just more statistical cop-bollocks, or yet again it’s clear that the police see themselves today as tax collectors working for HMRC. I don’t encourage careless driving, but I am fed up of the stupid (not to say corrupt) ‘priorities’ of the British police.

The Mirror is thundering away this morning, lecturing Theresa May on being something of a craven Trumpbitch in a way “unbecoming” a Prime Minister. Well, at least she’s unlikely to be asked to invade anywhere….but that’ll be Donald’s decision, not hers. For rude and vulgar fun on this subject, see last night’s Slog effort.

Other things on the Mirror’s mind this foggy, freezing Monday: Prince Harry’s girlfriend has been seen trying on a wedding dress, and if you like the burnt bits on toast, roast potatoes or chips, you will die from cancer. Except that doctors have called the health warning “a ridiculous overreaction to the data”. The best thing to do, I’ve always thought, is run a mile but not walk it, walk two miles but not run it, eat eggs to lose weight by having just one a month, drink a glass of red wine a day – but if you must drink two then put dark chocolate in the second one, meditate twice a day, take afternoon naps but not for longer than 90 minutes and always standing up, read the Express with a pinch of salt if you have low blood pressure and smoke crack-beetroot for high blood pressure while watching the BBC, but above all never read The Sun because it will give you a cerebral haemorrhoid.

In fact, Murdoch’s currant bun will give you a series of cerebral haemorrhoids such as Tony ‘Guilty Hacker’ Gallagher, Keith Poole and Lisa Minot. Although none of them can compete with Piers ‘Guilty Hacker’ Moron, the moving target now eking out his nonjob at the Dacre Mail. Smears is best known for having the most anagramatic name in Fleet Street, including my new one: I, Organsperm.

The only tube I spend much time in these days is YouTube, but I’ve been back using the London version over the last five days. I think the names of the lines – while reassuringly familiar – do however need a bit of an update.

My humble suggestions are:

Victoria Line – Beckham Line

Bakerloo Line – Vindaloo Line

Piccadilly Line – Peccadillo Line

Metropolitan Line – Multicutural Line

Jubilee Line – Jihadist Line

Northern Line – Powerhouse Line.

   At the Weekend Slog: Why it’s not working for the Waspis