SUNDAY SHOCKER: Slog to stand as UTP candidate in UKGE2017

Me1 Undiluted Truth Party set for late surge as snap Election delivers slap in face for May, saps resolve of intelligent voters to scrap entire system, but still leaves Waspis strapped for cash 

Dear voters,

Against my own better judgement – but under extreme duress from my followers – I have decided to write myself in as a late entrant for the close-run race in marginal constituency Adverse Camber (North). It is currently held by LibDem MP Betsy Coed, and the result in the 2015 General Election was as follows:

Betsy Coed (LD) 9,409 

Ivor Record (Con) 9,237

T. Ray Dunion (Lab) 8,822

Issentit Lukyoo (WelshNat) 7,478

Wayne Rooney (Monster Lemming Rooney Party) 19

I shall be standing for the Undiluted Truth Party (UTP) an organisation I am proud to say owes no allegiance at all to any existing political Party, any member of the Royal party, the Middleton family party business, George Soros, Mossad, Vladimir Putin or Eddie the Eagle, but does owe Gertrude Clappers a phone call and I will ring you soon Gertie, only I can’t talk now ‘cos she’s ‘ere.

The UTP stands for never ever telling a fib ever again, and the reintroduction of capital punishment for spin doctors. As such, it makes the following key points to all voters from the off, or in fact anywhere else in the United Kingdom:

  1. It’s all bollocks, and that’s Official (IABATO)
  2. For US readers, It’s all bullshit, and that’s Official (IABATO)
  3. All the other candidates are lying about the Money Tree: there is one, and it’s called The Bank of England. This august but ethically muddled organisation can create its own money, and borrow money over 30+ years at a rate of almost nothing. Now that looks and sounds like a money tree to me. So the chances are, it is. And if elected, I shall be that man shaking it like it was my former mother in law.
  4. The most important lesson in life is “Ignore what they said, and watch what they did”. Mrs May’s record re this one is like a pair of old beach flip-flops, and Mr Corbyn has, throughout this election, rationalised his past looney Left ‘property is theft’ record of International Socialism by saying history proved him right. It didn’t. As for Farron and Nuttall, it doesn’t matter what they say: the former has the brain of an early avian, and the latter says he led the charge on D-Day but wasn’t born until 1976.
  5. The politicians don’t work for you any more; they work for banks, the security services, the oil business, NATO, globalist neoliberals, trade unions, the senior Civil Service, and the media. All of these call all the shots likely to threaten their position, budgets, share prices, profits, membership, pensions and power. Politicians are the violin cases of this world….they’re there to hide the weapons. If elected I will make it a criminal offence to contribute any money at any time to a political Party, and ban all commercial lobbying. I will treble the budget and quadruple the staff of the Serious Fraud Office, cancel all the illegally set Whitehall pension increases from 2006, fire every snooper at the DWP, and reinstitute all the Waspi pension promises made in the 1950s. The entire operation will be funded by borrowing excessively from banks and then defaulting when the debt becomes due.
  6. Politicians are not to be trusted with money, and Sir Humphreys are not to be trusted with anything: the former overspend, and the latter overhire. From June 9th 2017, all large companies and their employees will be responsible for individual pensions, and those pensions will be topped up by Government during periods of unemployment. Any child born after that date will not have any State pension rights at all, and if there’s any arguing from millennials they will be shipped off to Tristan da Cunha. The entire operation will be funded by borrowing excessively from banks and then defaulting when the debt becomes due.
  7. Neither politicians nor private commerce can be trusted with the NHS, and the NHS cannot be trusted to run itself. All consultants will be requested to shut up about admin matters, and all pointless BigHair staff fired. Each county will have one large hospital/admin centre, with 90% of all routine treatment done in community college hospitals with which GP practices liaise and to whom they report. All private companies involved in primary care will be dismissed, and Richard Branson subjected to medical experiments without anaesthetic for as long as he shall live. The entire operation will become a mutualised insurance group, funded by multinational concerns based in Britain,  employee contributions, and borrowing excessively from banks and then defaulting when the debt becomes due.
  8. In the cyber-sci-fi world of 2017, Trident is about as much of a threat to Putin as Fallon’s ridiculous 120 squaddies on the Polish border. The Pentagon holds the key codes anyway, and all UK embassies based in major foreign power capitals have nuclear Domesday devices if the balloon ever does go up. All nuclear weapons and their software will be scrapped, and anyone caught selling them to Saudis or Israelis sentenced to 60 years in a Zimbabwean jail. Our response to nuclear threats will be “Bring it on Johnny Foreigner” and then if necessary being fried, but at least knowing that we didn’t start it. The Defence savings made will go to fund the reintroduction of National Service – compulsory for every able-bodied person between the ages of 15 and 17, and comprising the learning of an employable trade or skill, selfless work for society’s vulnerable, tough love and no weapons.
  9. All operations carried out to “recruit” Islamist nutters on British soil will be stopped immediately, and the Abedi family plus their MI5 minders tried publicly in a criminal High Court action. Manchester Police Service senior officers will be asked under oath why they kept vital fire service paramedics at bay after the recent bombing; and the prat who approved it, Andy Burham, will be deep fried in a vat of Castrol GTX. Membership of NATO, and sales of arms to headcases of every variety, will be cancelled. Any Americans looking for a Special Relationship will be directed to the popular website
  10. All immigration will cease from September 1st and nondom advantages for foreign nationals abolished.  A regionally organised and accountable training organisation will be set up. The Overseas Aid budget will be taken out of government hands forthwith, given to experts in the field, and trebled….with zero availability to any State whose citizen rights or democratic accountability are an obvious sham. Any threats to behead or bomb us by such States will be treated as cancellation of a request for aid.  The entire operation will be funded by borrowing excessively from banks and then defaulting when the debt becomes due.
  11. Nothing will be done to irritate senior citizens until they are all dead. Packaging will by law have to conform to ‘easy to open’ as a promise, and all print below 5pt bold sans abolished. Any yoof caught abusing pensioners will be sentenced to 83% tax for a year to see how they like it.
  12. Nicola Sturgeon is far too gobby, and so both she and the Scottish Narcissist Party are to be abolished. I will introduce a Bill to privatise Scotland before its sale under new management to the Eurogroupe. Messrs D. Trump & Sons will be hired to build a large wall south of Edinburgh. The rest of the disputed territory will be annexed without compensation.
  13. As it is full of whining Leftlibs who have difficulty staying awake for longer than seven minutes, the House of Lords is in need of serious reform and rebranding. It has been suggested by some of the 48% [Late Flash: now 34%] that the new Upper House should be elected and thus more accountable. But as the Commons is fully elected and abominable, I see no evidence to support this spurious and typically wishful bit of Momentum nonsense. My proposal therefore is that the House of Lords be renamed the House of Wards, chosen by and fully accountable to me. Its guiding principle shall be enlightened self-interested nepotism in all things, and Mr Jeremy Punt will act as a consultant to ensure that all those involved adhere strictly to this philosophy.
  14. Naturally, after seven years of a Government up there with the late Heini Himmler when it comes to humanity, we are going to need a Council Of Reconciliation & Revenge Entailing Conservatives & Tories (‘CORRECT’), and my Government will be considering this before being told to shut up and get on with it by me. There has obviously been an inability to focus on anything not involving pocket-lining within the revisionist clique dominated by Cameron, Clegg, Osborne, Hunt, May, Hammond, Fallon and Damien ‘666’ Green. Accordingly, I think (not wishing to influence the Council’s findings of course) that their levels of concentration need to be corrected, and therefore they should be sent to a Concentration Camp where the emphasis is on the short sharp shock of correction.
  15. Finally and importantly, all British legislators in future will be required to use those means of transport previously referred to as “public”, but for some years now reconfigured as “private”. Like benefit claimants in regional and rural backwaters, they will be required to find ways of getting to Accountability Committees via nonexistent bus services, and also attend constituency surgeries using Standard Class Virgin offerings only. As the Supreme Leader of the UK Soporifically Smug Republic (USSR), I do not see how we can negotiate a Brexit of suitably Upyours severity with Brussels-am-Berlin if we are all cruising around in Kraut-made pimpmobiles.