NHS leaders are pleading with the May Government behind the scenes for more money to cope with the palitix erbola5C virus – known as Tixerb for short – that first made its appearance in Autumn 2016. Today The Slog reveals the secret that has been kept from UK citizens for fully fifteen months, and gives explicit advice about what to do if you are showing symptoms of Tixerb.
FIRST PHOTO – WORLD EXCLUSIVE: The Tixerb virus striking down tens of thousands of UK citizens with tragic results is already mutating from its ‘5C’ starting point to an even deadlier new strain. The Slog follows the train of events since Autumn 2016.
Have you looked at your kneecaps lately? Did you notice Theresa May’s sudden penchant for trousers in late 2016? The Prime Minister is forced to wear them at all times. Because she has Tixerb.
Ever seen Dominic Grieve in a pair of trunks? Ever seen Baron Adonis in the nude? Of course not you lucky people, and there’s a good reason for this: they too have succumbed to the Tixerb virus sweeping our nation.
The two most terrifying features of Tixerb are first, the kneecaps pointing in the wrong direction – causing people to walk backwards even though they might appear to be going forward – and secondly, talking complete shite.
The original carrier is thought to have been Hugh Jurofile who, on returning to the UK after a day-trip to Belgium in August 2016, began saying “Only the bad people voted Leave”, retaining this view in the light of overwhelming evidence that all of Tony Blair’s friends and Philip Hammond had voted Remain. He died tragically during a swimming gala in Cymruncongollygoth when he leapt backwards off the dry end of a diving board.
The second victim was Ludmiya Brigtrott, who invented the placard ‘We are the 48%’ before flying backwards into a windpower propeller.
This first known public figure to contract Tixerb was The Baron Admonish of Camdengrad, caught on camera early in 2017:
Several attempts to commit the deranged victim (left) have failed, and he is still at large. Police warned the public involved in any encounter to humour him by saying “You are not bald and we love the EU too”, but to call for SAS help if the Baron is sighted.
The virus is now known to be especially virulent if it invades the body of a person who was always a bit of a twat anyway. So it was that, only last week, Dominic Grieve-Eusbodleyharme told an astonished Adam Bloaton of Sky, “I have no wish to bring the Government down but did you realise that if we don’t get a deal, places like Rome will emigrate to Mars and yes, I will bring down the Government but that’s different and please don’t come any closer with that needle, nurse”.
Equally hard hit was Owen Jones, who began walking backwards in Time to a Second World War where he had smashed the Nazis single-handed, and began tweeting a steady flow of unutterable shite:
At the far end of Owen’s linkette, he wrote:
“I don’t like Brexit because only a lunatic would want to leave the most civilising influence in the world since I defeated fascism, but even though I can’t see how it can be reversed, if it is reversed I will of course shrink from broacasting the obvious Truth that I did it, only me, nobody else, all on my own.”
Downing Street medical staff finally realised the Prime Minister had a problem when she exited Number 10 walking normally towards her limo, and then walked backwards into her residence. MI6 issued a D-Notice on all the videos taken of her doing this, and also any reporting of her being serially late for planes and PMQs. Only when she started talking even deeper shite than usual did they grasp that she had in fact contracted the virus:
“We are going to have a red, white and blue Brexit,” she told an MPs’ meeting in the House, “and it will be a softly hard wide narrow long stop silly mid-on classically contemporary and very big in its essential smallness as a real Brexit with subtle hints of surreality here and there. But above all, it will be tough on Brexit and tough on the causes of Brexit”.
Senior virologist at the newly renamed Windrush Hospital in London Dr Erin Doors told The Slog last night, “There is no doubt in my mind that Tixerb5C is the sole reason why negotiations with Brussels appear to go forward, but then Tixerb Kneecap Syndrome kicks in towards the opposite direction because everyone is talking Tixerb bollocks about what will happen after Brexit”.
Perhaps the most telling evidence supporting Dr Doors involves the sad case of Jeremy Corbyn, who – after 73 years of supporting a policy of nuking Brussels & Frankfurt -suddenly began to talk prime-quality shite about the EU’s virtues. The diagnosis in poor Jeremy’s case took an agonisingly long time to achieve certainty, primarily because he had a long history of talking shite about the IRA, the Soviet Union, economics, fiscal management, football, darts, needlework and jam-making.
Today, however, the nature of his tweeting leaves no doubt as to the tertiary nature of his condition:
Is somebody you know talking complete shoe repairers and hoping to reverse Brexit? If so, report them to the Action on Tixerb Helpline today.