At the End of the Day


Tonight is primarily for laughs, if only because there are more of them about than usual. First up, the search for Contradictory Term (‘oxymoron’) of the Century continues. The up-and-coming candidate at the minute is “meaningful vote”, which of course in the real world uninhabited by the media, the political class and Left-of-Centre Remainers means “meaningless vote generally considered to be the start of a process by which votes keep on happening until the fascists get the result they want”.

Still leading in the IABATO* Stakes,  however, is “elected representatives” which, throughout the First World, means “People chosen for their corrupt inadequacy by control-freak Party leaderships to do exactly what they’re told at all times”.  They are what I call the elected reprehensibles.

Once in a while they rebel to form TIGs – the abbreviation of Terminally Imbecilic Goblins. These are small groups of Parliamentary buffoons whose narcissism is exceeded only by their narcosis when it comes to public opinion. At the moment in Britain, there are eleven of them. Another Labour MP resigned yesterday, but won’t be joining The Second XI of Remoanoids, because he is a Leaver.

I was sad about this, because it foiled my plan to refer to TIGs as the Eleven Plus.

The TIGs probably represent the first ever breakaway in history from individual liberty to say what you think while offering obedience to democracy. They seem to me to form the nucleus of that crowd in Monty Python’s Life of Brian who yelled out in perfect Hitler Youth unison, “We are all individuals!”

Nevertheless, the beat of the Westminster Street is that more resignations from both Labour and Tory Parties will follow. Which sort of illustrates to perfection just how artificial their various “elections” were, given that all eleven flatly refuse to face the electorate for approval of their actions. I think of their defections as a kind of brave cowardice…..and that brings us back again to oxymorons.

Mind you, in my sillier moments I also see additions to their bizarre TIG thingy as being like the letters chosen by 9 out f 10 Cats Countdown contestants:

“Vowel please Rachel…..consonant….vowel, vowel….consonant….vowel, vowel, vowell…consonant, consonant…and finally, consonant.”

Thus we arrive at SHAGEMUGHEN.

And the Jewish 11-letter scrabble word winner is MESHUGGENAH. Any relationship between this Yiddish term (meaning ‘idiots’) and the anti-Semitism which doesn’t exist in the mind of Jeremy Corbyn is entirely intentional coincidence….yet another oxymoron with which to grapple.


The following is a script based very heavily on the Harry Enfield sketch I Saw You Coming.

Open on exterior shot of pretentious antique shop called I Saw You Coming. 

Cut to interior of the shop, where a bored proprietor (played by Jean-Claude Juncker) is reading Machiavelli’s Tax Evasion for Dummies. 

A woman enters, instantly recognisable as Theresa May. She browses briefly before spotting an eleven-storey leaning tower of Pisa made entirely of balsa wood matchsticks.

May: This is rather interesting….

Juncker: Oh that? Yes, well….that’s a fine example of 1990s shit. It was made by an obscure Emu called Monnet. Very rare, because it was sold only to a tiny clique in Belgium, and a British enthusiast called Tony Blair. It’s very much a collectors’ item, because even pricks in the currency exchange space rejected it as shit.

May: But it is rather nice.

Juncker: Oh quite…it does have a certain naive charm. I can see you have a good eye….

May: Oh, thank you…

Juncker: What does your husband do?

May: He’s an investment banker…..earns absolutely squillions…..

Juncker: Ah, right….well I tell you what, I can let you have it for 39 billion pounds, and as you’re the Prime Minister….tell you what, I’ll throw in the sandy foundations for a mere £7 billion a day in perpetuity….

May: I say, that’s very kind of you….why would you do that?

Juncker: Well, I saw you coming you see….


*IABATO – It’s all Bollocks And That’s Official