This voting lark….is it a riot, or wot?




It seems that, at the last Cabinet meeting, Theresa May opened proceedings by warning Ministers that any future breaches of confidence would result in their return to the backbenches.

I think the time has come to finally change the name of the UK’s Executive power group. Since the the early nineteenth century, it has been called The Cabinet. Clearly – for multivariate reasons – it now needs a new name.

I have three suggestions:

The Woodentop. So named in honour of the Wooden Lady at the top, who is insanely inflexible (as in oak) but in no way stupid…..it’s just that a huge oaken obstacle to any kind of Brexit progress has grown from the tiny acorn she was nine years ago, before Whitehall, NATO and the security services administered some Miracle Grow to her sapling existence. Or sap for short.

The Sieve. An accurate nickname in that collective responsibility has been replaced by an irresponsible collective of members who put their ambitions, mobile phones and Party before (respectively) their Prime Minister, their Party and their Country.

The Blancmange. My personal favourite, given that the new constitutional role of the UK’s executive body is to be a banal mélange of insipid politics and wobbly backbone topped with a blob of Whipped cream.

I fancy it is time some of our Executive looked in the mirror: not to blow themselves adoring kisses but, rather, to check if there is any reflectio.

For the coin ‘future breaches of confidence would result in their return to the backbenches’ also has another side called ‘further bollocks from this whore of bloc-head supranationalism will result in us all resigning’.

In order to rid us of the Whipped Marormaynot Cream, all the ingredients of The Blancmange need to do is resign. At which point, the topping will rapidly evaporate. Then the Conservatives can choose a successor, make a mess of it, and elect the Alt State candidate Jeremy Hunt.

We could then have a General Election, and start afresh.


If you desire to be rid once and for all of these unprincipled, unrepresentative and altogether unpleasant hobgoblins, then you are of course a moronic, club-wielding thug. Or in a word, an extremist. Yesterday was quite a day for insulting the electorate: Amber Rudd urged the Conservative Party to campaign in the European elections, and stop extremist parties filling the political “vacuum”. One presumes that this is a vacuum for which she accepts no responsibility. (An anagram of her name, by the way, is Bad Murder).

Max Hastings in The Times declared that Brexiteers are ‘a mob’ that MPs should stand up to: but, he concluded, Parliament lacks the moral courage so to do. If the Private Eye of yore had run this piece as a sort of ‘Dear Bill’ satire thirty years ago, it would’ve been entirely appropriate. As it is, reading it on 15th May 2019 left me asking if Mad Max had ceased to be a futuristic movie starring an idiot, and been reborn as a mediaeval rant starring an alien.

In the eyes of The Rudd Hastings Satanic cult, 17.4 million voters are extremist barbarians. That number – as we know all too well, but Remainers simply can’t get their shoulder-pimples round it – is a 52% majority of the UK electorate.

However, it would seem that 52% is the new spookily consistent number of seditious citizens thoughout the European Union. For as luck would have it, an Ipsos poll released this week found that 52% of EU citizens believe the Union’s rules and regulations are rigged in favour of big business and the rich. The same percentage also “believe that EU leaders do not care about the common man”.

That’s the trouble with democrats, you see: they’re all a bit mob-handed. Not forgetting stupid, ignorant, poorly educated and scumracistbigotfascistnazi extremists.

Respondents in the survey showed a high degree of pessimism about the future of the EU, and in open-ended questions referred to two or more of the following issues: Gilet Jaune discontent in France, Catalonian separatism in Spain, Italy’s enormous banking and national debt crisis, Poland and Hungary’s legal issues with Brussels, Germany’s immigration crisis, and Brexit.

These are, obviously, very extreme views to hold. As Alf Garnett would’ve said, “Stands ter reason, dunnit?”

By now – surely – readers must be catching on to where the real problem lies.


Yes, it’s all been a terrible mistake. Just over eight hundred years of mistakes, in fact.

It all started with the Polish immigrant Magna Carta and her mob of barons with silly foreign ideas about Kings just being ordinary mortals. Then that roof-tiler Wat and his mob of thickos suggesting that all the playing fields needed to be levelled, and before you know where you are, it’s a mere five hundred years before there’s a gin-soaked mob surrounding Parliament to demand the Vote. Ninety years on we get Mrs Pancake and her mob of Sufferer Jets and bingo, bloody women have the vote. Then (you’ll never believe this) just because Fatcher Cuts decided to tax that vote, there’s another riot and the Leaderine is no more.

I mean get real all you mobs, this impertinence has to stop.

I hope, by now, some Sloggers (and if ever there was a mob then cor blimey, they’re a right mob) have spotted that I am not a street-fighting man. I am a sort of angry pacifist. However, it is my duty to point out to Max Hastings, Amber Rudd, Dominic Grieve, Jess Phillips, Theresa May, Philip Hammond, Tony Blair, Kenneth Clarke, Yvette Cooper, Vince Cable and all the other folks devoid of either moral courage or values that the road to free-speech democracy has been one involving dead Queens, hanging judges, family squabbles, civil war, beheaded Kings, riots, hunger strikes, jumping under horses and a world war to get to where we were about seventy years ago.

Since the last real Labour Government produced a healthy and socially mobile citizenry, of course, those who consider themselves Born to Rule have been regaining all the lands and money lost since 1215….which they now intend to sell to The Mob (different to just ordinary mobs, small b) in Brussels.

Thus, the lower orders have become a little upset. And in conclusion, I say only this to the Top Ten Twats above and their followers: if casting your vote in a referendum now represents mob rule, then it’s high time We The People found somebody to unite the decent realists behind the Rule of Law.

Your wife is not a hat. A Brexiteer is not a racist. The Brussels mafia is not nice. And a vote is not a riot. Do please f**k off.