HOLY GRAIL MIRACLE FINDS UNEARTHED AT PROGRESSIVE ARCHAEOLOGICAL DIG
From our rambling Labour Conference interloper, Saul Bollocks
Backwards with the People! It’s official….at Conference yesterday, the Labour Party reassured its millions of troubled fans that it is absolutely and completely in reverse-neutral gear. The motor is revved up ready for action and Diane Abbott says the new sleek 21st Century Model T Corbymarx II Charabanc is going to get the Chequered Flag at the next General Election. But the vehicle, as such, will definitely be in reverse-neutral.
Yes, the Party is to adopt a pose of being not for or against leaving the EU, and above all neither for Remaining with no Leave option, or Leaving with no Remain alternative. Its Battle Bus will have the standard reverse gears, but they shall left in reserve for the time being, Amen. The forward gears situation is under discussion with Tesla Motors.
This is definitely a victory for the Gang of One (leader J. Corbyn) and a blow for wannabe Führerin Emilia von Tumbelly; but she is not to be deterred from her democratic plan to ignore all 60% of the Labour constituencies who voted Leave in the EU referendum by committing the Party to Remain in the EU, because that’s what the PLP wants to do. Some of us are having trouble telling this from the Conservative position.
At a lunatic fringe meeting yesterday, Our Emilia explained to the adoring hordes and whoring dullards her definition of ‘The Many’ with a show of fingers to indicate her ten mates on the NEC. She brushed off hecklers demanding to know why she was so enormously fat, by observing that, “To keep up my double standards, I need double helpings….this is what democracy looks like”.
In almost all policy areas, the Corbymarx II Charabanc is clearly equipped with six high-powered reverse gears. John McDonnell offered Momentum attendees a four-day week for all, abolishing private schools, abolishing the schools inspectorate, an end to prescription charges, free care for elderly people, free nursery places for toddlers, the restoration of full trade union rights, and the payment of ‘reparations’ to developing countries. It was passed by Conference like prunes through an irritable bowel, via the use of Labour’s new Proceedings chair program Bigware:
Bigware (seen here left) survived a few hitech hands-up glitches to present a very clear sign that Labour is all tooled up to revert forwards to that Golden Era when 99% of all bigots saw women as chattels, negroes as inferior, Chinese meals as Chinkies, the USSR as Progressive, homosexuals as dangerous perverts and Oscar Wilde as a stain on humanity.
Richard Burgon – the shadow justice secretary and Corbychev ally (this week) told The Guardian, “Some people thought we couldn’t build on that tired old recycled Soviet manifesto on which we lost in 2017, and that we had run out of bonkers old ideas. But this conference has proved the naysayers completely wrong: our thinking has disappeared even further down the rabbit hole and back in time to when Labour was a real socialist Party, around 1890.”
Diane Abbot, meanwhile, is preparing motions to abolish domestic service, workhouses, means testing, serfdom, droit de seigneur, trial by water, witches, taithes and crucifixion…but not beheadings and female genital mutilation, as these represent cultural preferences, and must be respected.
Back on Planet Earth, voters seem to have a different set of concerns. GDP contracted by 0.2 per cent in the second quarter. Diane Abbot will be analysing the consequences of this for Labour high-spend policies, following an intense one-to-one tuition course with Christine Lagarde.
But Joe Hayes, an economist at IHS Markit, says today that, “Financial wellbeing expectations were the most pessimistic in nearly six years in September, explaining the drop in appetites for major purchases such as cars and holidays. There were also signs that political and economic uncertainty had caused nervousness surrounding job security.”
Nevertheless, Back to the Future remains the Big New Idea at Labour – as Momentum founder and Josef Stalin hagiographer Jon Lansman said last week, “We have to do what Thatcher did in reverse. We have to take decisive steps to both achieve a significant redistribution of power away from softie LibDem Mensheviks, and create a constituency in which an awful lot of people have an obvious stake in a continuing Labour government. That means employing huge swathes of Socialist Workers’ Party activists in Whitehall – especially at the Treasury – and discreetly arranged mercy killings for anyone who disagrees with us”.
Three closing points here. First, Brussels would do everything in its power to undermine and then usurp a Labour Government elected on these policies. Second, there is not a single person in either the Shadow Cabinet or the NEC with the faintest notion of how to deal with the coming collapse of financialised globalism. And finally, a lot of the quotes offered here represent the logical consequences of what these ideologues mean, rather than what they actually said.
Corbyn Labour represents the triumph of youthful ignorance over wisdom gained from general history and personal experience.
The archived Slog post offered below attempts to explain that opinion in more detail.