The IABATO20* virus is now well and truly at large
*It’s All Bollocks And That’s Official
In my gmail inbox the other night was a press release outlining the scope of a House of Lords Enquiry into the effect of climate change on migration.
It is part of your correspondent’s eccentric make-up that my immediate question was this: what about the effect of migration on climate change?
I mean, it is a fact that Africa and the West Indies are home to leafy greens, root vegetables, mashed tubers and every type of pulse-bean on a scale not achievable in the British climate. Further, Indian immigration into the UK has also brought with it delicious cuisine with subtle but at times searching spices that require an outlet via the same orifice as that expelling the effects of beans.
Using Home Office figures from 1960 onwards, it is possible to monitor the emission of botty-burps into the British atmosphere and show, over a sixty year period leading up to 2020, that the increase in booooouurrrip from the human anus has increased by some 23.0077365% recurring when the following equation is applied:
{8Tandoori + 3Vindaloo} ÷ Jamaica Jerk x [√Going for an Indian freqency + Residence in Brixton + ≅Birmingham] x [high-fibre fad diet bollocks + ⇒Real Ale sessions]
_______________________
[Prevailing wind direction + ∠ rainfall) x [pizza consumption + KFC + ∇Baguettes] x national lavatory flushing rate
….assuming that the rate of ∏ x ∑ remains constant, although the value of ‰ may go up or down.
As many Vegan carnivores will immediately discern, this amounts to the equivalent of importing some 31.6 million cows into the UK. Indeed, modelling conducted by the Royal Institute of Modelling Stuff suggests it would produce a hole in the ozone layer above Blighty big enough to adequately house 31.6 million bovines, although milking them at that height would involve several agricultural challenges.
But it doesn’t end there. The eminent Earthly population distribution scientist Fritz von Chipshop has suggested that if 2.93 billion Chinese headed north west to Vladivostok at the same time as residents of Botswana sailed to the Antarctic, the Earth’s orbit would be disturbed by 278º and result in a catastrophic loss of seasonal equilibrium. Herr Chipshop gives no explanation as to why such a species migration might occur, but his revelations last week caused a national frenzy of wellie buying in Afghanistan and Venice.
Experts looking into the connection have concluded that Botswanians trampling all over the South Pole would inevitably turn the ice to slush, and raise the sea level by quite a lot. Hence the Afghani and Venetian concern.
Canadian gender transition guru at the New York Times Onanista Herbert Iolanthe Dercowitz further asserts that if every lesbian queer transphobic jihadist was laid end to end, very few people would be surprised but almost everyone would be confused.
I was standing in the kitchen this morning – washing my hands and singing along to Chuck Berry’s ‘Nadine honey, is that you?’ the way you do. I then flipped open the laptop, and there was the news that Nadine Dorries has tested positive for C****19. She’s a junior Health Minister these days and, knowing Ms D, I’d imagine she’s thrown herself at every isolation unit available to check things out at the sharp end.
It was a spooky coincidence that raises many questions. Is the virus that shall not speak its name perhaps rather more discerning about its victims than we at first thought? Can it be long before the Daily Star has a daily feature called “Celeb19” wherein Soap stars, bimbos, rock musicians, rappers, It Girls and News anchors ‘come out’ about having tested positive?
One mustn’t put ideas into the tabloid hare’s brain: there’s only a limited amount of space in there at the best of times; also they probably would run it.
Some of you may have spotted that one Slogger has shunned the site here on the grounds that I am a C**on*virus denier. This follows my editorial decision to write solely about the socio-economic rather than health effects of the pandemic. I hope you can follow the logic of that; I can’t.
I am still being bombarded on WhatsApp by the seafaring lady because I’m not woke enough about, you know, the Wuhan thing. I’ve just penned her a cease and desist email, which I thought might make my position on the issue crystal clear once and for all:
The Slog 