In a last-ditch, desperate flailing bid to go nuclear on the deadly plague about to kill 0.6% of us, Boris Johnson calls Sir Humphrey Appleby out of retirement, enabling the legendary civil servant to proffer his infinitely sage advice on tackling the killer virus now raging across the world we have loved but which must soon disappear as we know it forever and ever, Amen, because we’re not dying quickly enough.
BoJo: Right, now look here Sir Humphrey, this is, you know, a jolly big crisis. My chum here Dominic and I think we should go all out for immunity against this threat which is already bigger than Hitler, but others in the Department for Health say it’s all about containment. What’s your view?
Sir Humphrey: Well Prime Minister, you see the immunity of the community is inversely proportional to the G5 wireless in the virus and the unity of impunity with which the opportunity for calumny is administered with relentless importunity.
Cummings: Should I ‘it ‘im now, boss?
BoJo: All in good time, Dominic. Sir Humphrey, what do you make of what President Macron is doing in France?
Sir H: If I may say so Prime Minister, it’s really quite straightforward. Taking an overview of the curfew installed by the Frog 1 known as Macron, if a cliché in the Elysée represents a plan, he has chosen within his guichet to look severe and say, “Oh la-la nous sommes en guerre”, when perhaps it should have been de riguer to infer that every daft mare in her bath chair who’s already had a good innings – her winnings in this national Lotto being a fraction of the traction spent on such blotto fodder so they might dodder through the action – should now be allowed to expire given the mire in which we find ourselves”.
Cummings: Now can I ‘it ‘im, boss?
BoJo: Patience Dom, patience. Sir Humphrey, what do you think of the medical advice I’ve been given?
Sir H: With respect Prime Minister, one might just as well roll the dice than have faith in the sort of medical advice that – in our current darkness – sheds very little light on the likelihood of puncture at any juncture once an event has caused the descent in value of a view that is no longer new and thus unfit for purpose in the kind of circus where bread cannot be clearly ascertained as fresh in Bangladesh.
BoJo: I see. So you discount the value of medical advice?
Sir H: Yes and no with reservations. One must always look to manage the application of a bandage when you wish to abandon the random in such matters. When all is said and done under the sun, I take a line in the sand by saying, “I think you are right, and if so I shall be right behind you. And if you are wrong, I will join the throng marching in respect behind your State funeral procession”.
Cummings: Now can I ‘it the f**ker, boss?”
BoJo: Feel free, Dominic.
Meanwhile, President Trump and Tesla CEO Elon Musk claim that Chloroquine is the definitive answer to treating COVID19. Yesterday evening, the Donald announced that the US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) had approved the use of Chloroquine to treat the Coronavirus.
Sadly, this turns out to be complete bollocks.
It seems to be an efficacious treatment to relieve symptoms and speed recovery from COVID19. Under FDA rules, it is at best some twenty months from being approved as a weapon against this diabolically deadly killer drug that is going to wipe out the 0.6% of us sitting in God’s waiting room.
The Dow Jones having fallen 0.77% today, the NYSE is on course for its worst day since 2008.
But I have to say, few if any commentators are monitoring the Owen Jones index, which is an excellent measure of the Leftist fuckwittery level in a Britsh population just gagging to believe that Guy Verhofstadt is a nice man when you get to know him, and the tooth fairy will, in the end, put all our travails into perspective. Here’s one OJ effort today on Twitter:
Five blokes disinfecting an Iranian street isn’t mass anything, Owen bach: and your argument screens out the mullahs’ tweet of yesterday suggesting that the Great Satan infidels can take their decadent medical science and stick it up the overused Western anal cavity of depravity.
Burning 537 Malian Christians to death on Christmas day is mass murder my little gift that keeps on giving, but then you wouldn’t be interested in that, eh? Also completely ignored in your Weltanschauung (look it up, duckie) is that in Iran, the sexual preference you promote would result in your being thrown off a high roof onto a hard street with dire consequences.
I will spare you the rest of Owen’s cognitive dissonance today, purely in the interests of balance.
The Slog 