SATURDAY SMILE: the numbers racket

Today’s lucky winners are 100,000, 9, 19, 73 and 20,000

I found it hard not to laugh on UK Twitter yesterday when I discovered that Grant Shapps was the #1 political trend, and ‘Disinfectant’ the #2.

Grant was telling the media that the government is on target for 100,000 COVID19 tests by the end of April. It’s always important to disinfect what Shappsy comes out with, because when it comes to fibs, he sort of took over from Jeffrey Archer after the latter restired from frontline politics in order to spend more time with his ghost writer.

Why did The Borisonians choose Grant to be the bearer of this triumphant news? Hard to say, beyond perhaps the reality that nobody else wanted the job. After all, when Nadine Dorries has turned you down, it’s time to start lowering the credibility bar to Roland Rat and beyond.

The ‘disinfectant’ trend was actually related to Donald Trump, who (with the help of a plausible advisor) was quite rightly pointing out that if washing the externals in medicated soap is a viable precaution against C19 infection, liquids one could take by mouth for internal cleanliness wouldn’t be such a bad idea either.

Within minutes, the Liberal Laughter machine went to Warp Factor 9 in a helpless scramble to suggest that The Donald was advocating the drinking of bleach. He said no such thing, but instead suggested that substances like diluted TCP could perhaps be adapted. Since the Covid19 madness began, I’ve been gargling every morning in salt water, because brine is a hugely effective disinfectant. I also wash my hair twice a month in brine…a practice sold to me by an old lady in the Greek Mani region some years ago – and one that works.

It’s just another example of the Leftlib’s incorrigible fascination with all things toxic and unnatural….and their continuing inability to grasp that Trump speaks to all the Real People betrayed decades ago by everyone from Hippies and Yuppies to chic radicals and smug academics. “Trusted natural behaviour sucks, today we know better” is the cri de foudre of the narrow chatterers.

Piers Morgan took a slightly more all-fours stance on the issue.


“OI!” yelled Peerless Gorgon, ” YOU…..TRUMP – NO!!”

More precisely, Morgan the Pirate told his ‘mate’ Donald Trump to “shut the fuck up”. The GMB mightymouth has adopted the mantle of Mr Populist in recent times….so much so, in fact, he’s a sort of negative to Private Eye’s Dave Spart creation of half a century ago.

He should therefore surely have his own Eye monniker to fit, but these days the Fizzpop organ is far too busy heaping praise upon the European Union to engage in such childish activities.

So shouty is the Romping Arse anagram, he seems to need larger and longer inhalations in order to achieve foghorn pitch. For this, one needs a capacious diaphragm – and so my proposal is that he should henceforth be known as Chesty Morgan.

covidchesty For those of you too young to remember Chesty (seen here left in one of her more challenging roles) she was the star of two movies during the 1970s,  Deadly Weapons and Double Agent 73….but the titles alone are enough to tell you who the real stars were.

’73’ was a fnar-fnar reference to the fact that her bust was indeed 73 inches in girth – no implants, no ifs, no buts. She’s still with us by the way – aged 82, living less than quietly in Tampa Bay Florida.

Piers should hop on a plane and interview her: as a subject of interest, she’s way ahead of Tony Blair. ITV could bill the Special as Two Old Tits.

Equally Not Really a Journalist is Owen Jones, the man whose reaction to grown-up Covid19 data has been roughly as follows:


He’s puzzled. The Jones Boy is only rarely in such a state, because life for him is one of certainties: for example, the answer is more socialism, now what’s the question? And not forgetting, after transgender surgery, a man is a woman. Yes dear….and as it enters your throat, that nasty bit of wafer and sour wine becomes the body and blood of Jesus.

But Owen’s got something massive. Cheeky….


This is the stunning revelation from Scoop Jones that Dom Cummings – and other right wing non scientific advisors OMG OMG – attend C19 strategy meetings. It’s a practice begun by Tony Blair a mere 21 years ago; but for OJ Wimpson, it’s absolutely massive because these advisors aren’t left wing scientists dependent upon Big Pharma money in order to support their spectacularly wrong research and modelling.

It always makes a narcissist feel good to write “absolutely massive” in his copy, because that suggests the addition of insight: you may be yawning you fascist Hitlerite, but this is more important than you think. 

Of late, the Boy Wonder has moved on from copy to copy and paste in order to write a piece (for which he was paid) consisting of straight lifts of other people’s work from news sites.

Sadly, the Left’s LGBTQ pin-up isn’t hot on sums. It’s one of only a few absentees he endures – logic, economics, tolerance, honesty and so forth – but it’s an important one. For him, Covid19 is about 20,000 dying because Towreeez are incompetent and heartless. He follows Chesty Morgan’s lead in the shouty game, but leads on the numbers: no tables, annual comparisons and percentages please, they make my head hurt.

You could even say he out-numbers Chesty.

Take the hyphen out of that term, and you describe how I feel at the moment perfectly – viz, outnumbered.

Serves me right for being A Cognitive Dissident I suppose.

Enjoy your Locked Down For Nothing weekend.