My aim tonight is to offend and amuse in equal measure, because that is my right as an Englishman and fully paid-up member of Homo sapiens currently inhabiting Planet Earth – which is not in danger of freezing or burning to death, but is in very grave danger of allowing useful idiotic hysterics to deliver us all into humourless serfdom.
I am incorrect and proud of it.
I can tonight inclusively reveal that The Slog is currently in negotiations with the Telegraph Dating site to set up Janet Daley as a partner for Peter Hitchens…..and then use the military wing of the Saul Bollocks Slog Alliance to storm Buckingham Palace, prior to having the duo take over as the Royal Family with dictatorial powers.
Chris Whitty has declared the latest Lockdown-boredom exercise craze as “an obvious Covid super-spreader”. He condemned window-farting as “an irresponsible behaviour given the risk of infected anus emissions escaping via the glass-putty gap”. The new exercise routine is being blamed for the spike of window-cleaner deaths that led to the Birmingham suburb of Ebola being moved up to Tier 2.7 last week.
Rumours that Boris Johnson had offered the top BBC job to 93 year old Barbara Windsor were being hotly denied by Downing Street this afternoon. “It is true that Boris spoke with Miss Windsor’s care-worker in the Petrified Trees Old People’s Home last week,” N° 10 wokeperson Annabella Umbulla told me, “but the deal fell through when we were told she had Covid19”. Miss Windsor was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease in 2014.
Attention then turned to actress Sigourney Weaver. Yesterday, Weaver said she was is in favour of studios putting new movies on video on-demand services, as she doesn’t think it’s safe to be sat in a cinema amid the ongoing health crisis. “I’d rather they streamed things because I wouldn’t go to a movie theatre right now!” Sigourney told Variety. Intrigued by this unique mélange of amateur virology and sound marketing ideas, BoJo offered her the job on the spot, but the 71-year-old star told him she was already committed to Alien XVII, to be shot on location and behind masks in the Gobi Desert.
The Prime Minister has also been in discussions with Kim Kardashian. Ms Kardashian was rumoured to be keen on the idea, but her buttocks turned it down. “Her ass has been an enormous influence on her career,” manager Dai O’Rear told Slog gossip columnist Saul Bollocks.
“We’re now looking at other species,” said Dominic Cummings.
Emmanthal von Schicklegruber writes from Stuttgart:
‘I wonder how many Sloggers have noticed the remarkable similarity between washed up Irish Teeshirt Le O’Vodka (left) and former Royal butler Beau Bummell (right).
Were they perhaps separated at birth?’
Well Emma, let’s not beat about the bush here, because not beating about the bush is what these two boys have in common.
And finally, while some forecasters of an economic bent say Britain is heading for a double-dip recession, others suggest that the UK will suffer a “lopsided-W shaped recovery” with a “second, but smaller, dip in GDP over the winter months”.
I beg to differ. Having examined some reliable rabbit entrail sources earlier this evening, it seems to me that Britain is heading for a social, health and econo-fiscal disaster on a scale not seen since Spartacus took on Rome and then got distracted by the Fair Verinia: bloody women, that’s what I say.
My own version of alphabetic monnikers for what awaits us is the X-factor.
The out-of-focus 3D X-factor first identified by the Ruritanian School of Fish Economics lays great stress on the importance of not having head-up-arse when it comes to being borassic lint, such being Cockney rhyming slang for skint, ie, without resources beyond the ageing fiat currency known as Pound – or in virtual metric terminology, a kilo short of any weight.
Under the X model of UK skintness, what happens is that all the money shoots off in four directions – north east, north west and south west – but in far greater amounts to the south east, where the electronic banker-currency print-button lunatics are based.
The key to the use of X by such theorists is that in mathematics, it stands for the Unknown Quantity….more commonly referred to by bourse experts as Fertile Utility Currency Karnos Kaleidoscopic Normatising of Wanker Syndrome (FUCK KNOWS).
Goodnight and thank you.