Having long ago qualified as a practising onanist, Nobby has decided to broaden his medical expertise into DIY amputation and tooth extraction. Today, he shares his top tips generously for all those with a strong stomach and masochistic tendencies. Readers are advised not to try these procedures while sky-diving, potholing or indeed at all.
Some weeks back I sought advice from John, explaining that my literary offerings were drying up and it probably wasn’t an entirely good or healthy thing for me to constantly have women clambering up my drainpipe, banging on my window during the hours of darkness begging me to indulge them in acts of physical love.
In short, this socially engineered madness of Lockdown has taken its toll on my mental well being and whilst I admittedly was as mad as fuck before it all, nowadays I’ve gone the full nine yards into areas I should never have visited.
John’s good advice was to take some time out, recharge my imagination and return to the Slog and write about what I knew. That advice was all very well and good, but of course, other than masturbation whilst viewing Red Hot Wirral Housewives that induced me to indulge myself in acts of pleasuring myself throughout this long and debilitating Lockdown, which then escalated into alarming and frighteningly high levels, there really isn’t very much else that I do know anything about.
But then I got to thinking about how I’ve been managing to cope without access to a medical practitioner or a dentist and I now realise that I’m not just a prolific wanker. I’ve become quite proficient at carrying out minor surgical procedures on my own self.
Now, before I begin to explain to you all how easy it is to mutilate yourself and perhaps amputate things that clearly need removing, it’s very important to be cognisant of a few things. Firstly, all the surgical instruments that you expertly deploy to render yourself minus a bit of your body, must be sterilised. You must be prepared to deploy towels and other cleaning agents to mop up what’s likely to become a horrific bloodbath. Find a tiny place within your home that will muffle your screams of ‘Good God. I’m in agony’, which then may alert your well meaning neighbours to call the Constable. Finally, and this is essential to understand, in the likely event of you passing out, carry out your surgical procedure whilst mounted on an old piss stained mattress. This ensures that, should you collapse in agony, the resulting fall will not cause you further injury, ths making it necessary for you to conduct another unwanted operation.
My first venture into Do It Yourself Surgery was a pair of In-Growing Toenails. I’m equipped with two feet, left and right plus ten toes. Five on the left foot and five on the right. Twas the two big toes that required my attention. The one on the left foot and the one on the right foot.
After raiding my fishing tackle box that’s equipped with all sorts of metallic stuff designed and intended to remove a barbed hook from a Barbels mouth, I acquired some surgical forceps, a small pair of long nosed pliers, scissors, a very small hammer and a hand drill normally deployed to mount a halibut pellet on a hair rig.
Again, for those among you who are reading this and weighing up whether or not you should go ahead and perhaps amputate a finger thats getting on your bloody nerves or has become infected because you stupidly decided to dip your poorly finger into a bucket of human shit or were bitten by a rabid hand-reared ferret, please inform a member of your family or a passing stranger that you are intent on carrying out a surgical procedure and leave the front door open so that the emergency services can gain quick access and remove you from the hell you’ve created for yourself.
Anyways, back to my two ingrowing toenails. After supping half a glass of rum and swallowing two single dose units of diazepam to sedate me, I began slowly to prod and dig away at the source of my pain only to realise that I was only adding to my misery and nothing was being achieved. It was at this point I realised that I needed to numb my big toes by belting them with the hammer.
To achieve the result you seek when using a hammer, place your foot in a vice and – instead of swinging wildly at your big toe – begin the hammering with a slow rhythm gradually building up speed and force. Whilst you will begin to scream in pain and it crosses your mind that perhaps what you are doing is wrong, don’t stop. Ignore your natural instincts to stop belting your toe with your hammer and continue until the pain becomes unbearable.
Thereafter, crawl back indoors, wipe the tears from your eyes, take another swig of rum and with the forceps get a good tight grip on the nail that by now is probably falling off because of the hammering and pull like fuck until it’s removed. This is exactly what I did to remove my two ingrowing toenails and whilst I’ve no wish to repeat the procedure, I highly recommend the process to anyone else who cannot see a qualified medical practitioner and wants to sever something from their body.
Dentistry is a great deal easier. Whilst I’ve yet to carry out drilling and fillings, crowns or root canals, I have been very successful in the extraction of my teeth. My chosen method involves a series of decisions and steps that guarantee the separation of the tooth in your head from you. It’s all quite straightforward.
Indeed, because you’ve probably got other teeth in close proximity to the tooth that’s aching, by all means practice extractions on them. Then, once you’ve perfected the method, which I’ve now dubbed The Method, and successfully extracted teeth that weren’t playing you up, it’s now time to extract the head, the face and the entire body from the tooth that’s making your life a misery.
Firstly with a pair of mole grips, you clamp it’s jaws around the tooth ensuring that the tooth does not crack. Cracking the tooth will only add to your misery because you are then faced with the frightening prospect of chiselling the tooth out with your hammer.
Once the mole grips are affixed to your tooth, wriggle them back and forth ignoring the natural urges to scream out loud, ‘for fucks sake’. Whilst the pain is debilitating it won’t be long before the nightmare ends.
Then once you’ve sensed a very tiny slight movement in the tooth’s root, it is now time to introduce the use of a stretch of strong wire which you will wrap around the tooth that you fully intend to extract. You will also need a ladder, two strong leather belts, a sack and a two bags of cement.
Now it’s time for the extraction to begin. Again, take a slug of rum, another couple of single dose units of diazepam and equipped with your two belts, your sack containing the cement you begin to scale the ladder. By this time, once you’re about twenty foot off the ground, the wire that’s attached to the tooth should be tightly fitted to the sack that contains the cement – and you’re nearly ready.
Careful not to fall off the ladder and break your neck, you place one belt around your neck and affix it to the ladder thus preventing your head from moving. The other belt gets affixed to both your waist and the ladder so as to prevent you following the sack of cement downwards that you’re about to throw away and extract the tooth. Note ( it’s essential that the wire, the sack and it’s heavy contents are not longer than your height upon the ladder). If you mess up this simple mathematical calculus, you’ll end up stood on the ladder with the tooth still affixed to your jaw bone and a sack of cement laid on the ground).
Now the time has arrived to rid yourself of this troublesome tooth. Stood some twenty foot up and affixed to the ladder, you take a deep breath, pray to the God that slew Cane and Abel and you then release the sack of cement allowing gravity to do its work.
This, that I call The Method , will ensure the separation of you from your tooth and allow you to spend the rest of your day laid down horizontal – hoping and praying that the clinical skills you have recently acquired won’t have to be repeated for another five years.