Bitterly desperate satire

What makes a satirist bitter? In no particular order, a Party of the working class infected by lunatics who can’t tell the delusional from the empirical; unwarranted privilege being snatched by tiny minority sexualities; and the growing emergence of self-styled gurus peddling cliché as insight. The Slog goes for the jugular of all three.


The world of Steer Calmer was roiled earlier this week when his hardline immortal 136 year old Grandmother Emmeline Stopes-Pancake revealed to the Labour Leader that ladies have front bottoms in which penises are not involved, although hairy bits are.

Steer immediately called a press conference to break the news to an enervated audience of presstitutes, following which five members of the National Executive Committee (codenamed L,G,B, Q and T) called for him to resign and submit himself to Reeducation prior to a thorough Anti-revisionist Party Inquiry Chaired by Liberal Sino-Zionist Xi Jinping Friedman.

And in an unrelated development, passionate and permanently peeved Transinhuman Sexualisation of Under-Fives campaigner Bertha Bluebarnet (right) told New York Diversity magazine The Velvet Tipper: “Straight people can’t understand that we don’t always want to be the centre of attention but some of us here are so huge, we’re at the centre and pretty much everywhere else too…..I mean like, I identify as two sexualities because at 19 stone I have the space to accommodate another person. Or three.”

“So anyway, I went to a specialist and he made me a new vagina and I’m less than happy with it. I thought it would be interesting to ask a structural engineer to do it, but I didn’t expect three rolled-steel girders to be involved. So now I’m suing him for $13.7 billion. Listen – with inflation the way it is, what’s a boy-girl trans blob supposed to do?”

To which the Bronx hardhat response is, “Don’ ask me lady, I just do the ferkin windows here”.

Onto the main event…

Dumbing down banality

Hold onto your hats – this may be a mega trend I’ve spotted before most other observant commentators. It’s the invasion of social media (Twitter in particular) by con artists who have spotted that – while a simple idea is always likely to be more creative and relevant than the dense complexity of something dreamt up by Anthony Fauci or Gordon Brown – simplistic ideas impress simpletons (regardless of their IQ level) yet almost always represent the banal cliché which is, ultimately, not just irrelevant but deserves the old adland query, “Where’s the Beef?”.

As yet, I lack enough data to tie this new wave of drivel to a central source: perhaps its merely a lot of unemployed fake Soothsayers representing an opportunity to target Useful Idiots unable to tell the insight from the invalid. All I can tell you is that no major trend on, say, Twitter ever gets off the ground without money changing hands in some shape or form somewhere.

And the faux-wisdom generally put forward bears the blurred hallmark of slogans designed to inhibit original thought and amplify brainless Groupthink.

So tonight, I introduce to you to a fictional but only slightly caricatured new entrant into this niche of New Normality…

Yes, in the culture of the thick, the wafer-thin cliché is King. After just two weeks of reading my unique self-help book How to help yourself to everything and everyone, you will be the hero of every Chattering Class supper party where the chatter has sunk to the level of “You must give me the recipe”, fluffy kittens and Rishi Sunak is a safe pair of hands. I guarantee that within a month, you will have realised the image of being a Guru, or I’ll refund your money if you can find me once I’ve moved on to the next scam and then become a Tory Minister.

Just read these sensational reviews!

“Within hours of reading this book, I was eating everyone out of my hand” – A. Fauci

“Reading this book made me the man I am today” – Laverne Cox

“I was just a yes man, but now I’m a yes-and-no Prime Minister” – Maharishi Sunak

“I died laughing after just three pages” – Nigel Lawson

How to help yourself to everything and everyone is available from Axiomatic Books, price £25.99 in the UK, $3,200 in Canada and a special discount price of €8 to all MEPs in Brussels.