Promising to be the inclusive defender of every colour, jihadist, illegal boater, creed, L, G, B, T and Q for Queen, C3P0 was crowned today on the stroke of Noon by Lord MightJustas Wellbe, the Arch bishop of Camperbury along with other faith healers represented by the Givers and Receivers of many nations blessed with spacious cassocks. Cossacks were, however, excluded, a snub noted by both Ukrainian and White Russian leaders who vowed revenge and demanded that EUNATO should bomb Westminster Abbey immediately.

Meanwhile, New Queen Camilla suppressed a giggle as C3PO smiled when she too was anointed with heavy headgear, obviously reminiscing about Tampax in-jokes.

Earlier, there had been little to remark upon, beyond a surprise jump out of retirement by the Black and White Minstrels conducted by Whoopee Goldberg representing the Sammy Davis Jr Synagogue of our RatPack Lord Francis Alberto Sinatra.

Corona-virus-nation conspiracy theory: Anthony Fauci’s last-minute fear fest

But a global worldwide pan-galactic scoop from our roving editor-in-the-streets Lickyer Hardman reveals how the entire ceremony and wild celebrations enjoyed in a generally understated British manner almost didn’t get going at all. The Fauci five (one for every working day to offer the full range of conflicting lies) dropped in by parachute at 7 am UK each with a disaster scenario.

A somewhat confused Wannabe Monarch asked the Quintuplet Tony-clones what they wanted, and the following exchange occurred:

C3PO: Whatevah it is you want you gharstly little man, you can jolly well kinte me ite.

AF1: We need total national lockdown right now because this coming event is a bioweapon attack in full view.

C3PO: No it isn’t…I think…

AF2: Listen up taxi-ears, this is a plot by the evil beelzebubs Diablo Trump and his accomplice Bloodysmear Rasputin to wipe out our Special Ally England-sur-ScotWales at a stroke. The clue’s in the name…

C3PO: Izzit? Good Lord…. you mean, as it were and so to speak, Windsor?

AF3: No you ferkin’ relic, I mean Coronation.

C3PO: I say, hang orn a minute here, that’s what I’m abite to heeave…

AF4: We have field operatives and they know everything, yer know? Join the dots, Charlie…Corona-virus-tion spells Coronation, am I right? They have a deadly new variant….more deadly even than the most deadly Corona variant we ever dreamed up – it’s so Top Secret, they had to make it obvious so nobody would believe it….

C3PO: Oh rarrely? How demmed inconvenient…

SFX: sound of MI6 Royal flunkies banging on door

AF5: There is no time to lose, your Flunkiness…

SFX: door being smashed inwards, shouting of “freeze Fauci or you’re dead meat”

C3PO: I sayee, what in the blue blithering blazes is going orn heyahh?

MI6 Flunky: You’ve had a lucky escape Your Kingness, avoided only by having the nous to give a Royal Seal of approval to all the security services….

C3PO: I sayee, dashed good show….good old PaPah for tipping me orf about who rarelly runs the country, what?