Continuing the exclusive Eurovision Soap that has the world on the edge of its nerves…


Update for new fans:

The on-off affair of Geli and Sarko stutters on, but somehow the magic has gone. Geli’s insistence on rigour, stability and discipline are at odds with Sarko’s preference for stimulants, lunch and growth. The French President also suspects Frau Merkel of planning to leave him for Herman the Belgian – an insult greater than any Frenchman could possibly stomach.

Perhaps this is why Sarko has raised his Agrarian Standing Army to oppose cuts in the Agricultural Budget (CAP), and distract attention away from the Left’s insistence that not a centime shall be pared from French pensions and healthcare.

To dilute his power, soccer-fan Geli has liberated the EU Central Bank (ECB) from the French farce M.Trichet, and insisted that all 27 member States must coordinate on fiscal and economic policy. Unbeknown to her, however, British mekon Hague has cracked the Enigma code and translated this successfully as Deutschland uber Alles.

To counter this, Sarko (whom behind his back Geli calls Tsar Cosy) insists that Germany must play fair by importing everyone else’s products, and turning the ECB into a junk yard with the biggest unlocked petty-cash box on the planet. Portuguese man-of-war Jose Brasso goes further, insisting that he alone can reform the EU, not some Belgian chocolate soldier with a silly name. But Merkel the Meddle insists that her best friend from Belgium must do this, because only Herman’s boredom removes the pants that other bureaucrats cannot reach. This is why Sarko is out of sorts with Geli, and out of favour at home.

Meanwhile, German monetary affairs Minister Ollie Rehn is at odds with French EU Affairs guru Pervenche Beres, and the man from Brussels is at odds with himself – which, with a name like Jean-Pierre Juncker, is hardly surprising. Italy’s Silvio Berlusconi was last seen at the G20 in the company of seven lapdancers, the Greeks have decided that being bailed out by the Chinese is a better bet, and Spain is hoping that nobody has, as yet, totted up what its rescue is going to cost. The latest diversionary tactic from Spain’s Franco Zappatero sounded like a call to invade Germany, but nobody is entirely sure.

Finally, in the attic room of the servants’ quarters overlooking the Dutch bicycle sheds, Baroness Ashton of Britannia has hired a Polish security agent to run something that will have 5000 diplomats in it – but nobody knows why…..

(Viewers should be aware that some scenes feature very strong language, and flash behaviour)