Calm down dears, it’s only a load of old bollocks.

Cable….”I am going to get FPTP”.

As Britain enters the countdown to the count-up, the word is that First Past The Post will be first past the post, although the votes of those who voted for AV will be counted using AV, meaning all the second preferences were for First Past The Post which will thus be even further past the post.

So AV is vindicated in giving a bigger majority to FPTP than anyone expected….and thus we should move to AV. Especially those who supported FPTP, because it gave them an even bigger win than they expected.

But David Cameron hailed the result, saying this afternoon, “I think this shows quite conclusively that, as even the AV system wants FPTP, we have trounced all those who wanted AV but on the other hand I do recognise that a lot of people chose AV as their second preference and that’s important in any Big Society where you want to take account of every viewpoint regardless of skin class, social shade or religious salary, because we’re all in this together. And you see this is the problem with AV – I’m confused, you’re confused – whereas if we’d just had FPTP on the ballot form, we would’ve had a much clearer result and so I feel vindicated and therefore we will stay with FPTP.”

Ed Miliband affirmed this afternoon on behalf of the Yes campaign that “This result sends a message to Westminster. Only AV sends messages, whereas FPTP only sends MPs back, with no messages at all about how Labour is your voice in tough times. But the message was clear: with FPTP we will only ever get those who are fit winning anything, and of course the disabled, obese Underclass, civil servants and other Labour voters will lose out and thus the very fact that FPTP won decisively shows precisely why only AV can give us real voting equality”.

Nick Clegg agreed, adding, “Had we done this properly by instituting a quota system to advance the AV score given it was facing such obvious bigotry from the institutional Postist nature of returning officers, and then distributed the uncast votes equally among both sides using affirmative action for those left behind by voting AV through no fault of their own beyond listening to vacuous twats like me, I think you’ll find that AV would’ve won and my career would’ve been saved. The fact that this happened is a tragedy beyond imagination, and my proposal would therefore be for a referendum using the First In Constituency Kopout List Evaluation system (FICKLE) to ascertain the degree to which Yes supporters felt bullied by Noists, and to what extent No waverers were convinced by the blatant Tory lie that Vince Cable would be made Supreme Ruler under AV and send all people earning over £25,000 a year up chimneys in perpetuity, Halifax, and Glasgow.”

LATE FLASH: Nicolas Sarkozy’s last-minute support for Un homme et une femme system – did it produce a swing to BNP/Paribas?

FLASH GORDON: Why AV would’ve saved Neil Kinnock’s far-sighted investment.