Why we should send Jean-Claude Juncker to the South Atlantic

junckerfingers“How many fingers am I holding up, Winston?


The Slog can exclusively reveal this morning that the three Falkland Islanders who voted against remaining British (Mr & Mrs Maradona and their clone Heinrich) will nevertheless stay on the Islands to complete the mission of liberating it for Argentina. Speaking from his U-Boat redoubt in Rookers Bay off Port Stanley, Mr Maradona said he would trust in “the hand of God to deliver the Fourth Reich from the clutches of repressive British imperialism”.

I have little doubt that Jean-Claude Juncker would dismiss that bit of fancy as simply another example of what he referred to in Der Spiegel this week as being “lost in petty national thought processes”; but as always, satire and fun-poking don’t work if there’s no truth behind them. So here are some simple reasons why I find the Falklands dispute funny, and Juncker’s Spiegel proclamation hysterical:

1. The election was pointless and unsurprising. It won’t change any attitudes either in Argentina or at the UN, because their issue is with imperialism not self-determination. Just because they’re muddled about this doesn’t mean they will change their minds.

2. Argentina’s history of fascism, juntas, suspended democracy and debt-welching doesn’t exactly render them more fit to own the Malivinas compared to a Nation which, wars aside, hasn’t suspended democracy since 1664.

3. Argentina’s sudden rekindling of interest in the Malvinas question is almost certainly related to the discovery of vast oil wealth in the surrounding waters.

4. Despite his triumphant tweet this morning, if Cameron’s hand is forced he will give in. He has no choice, given that he made another choice last year: to make vast cuts in our armed forces.

5. In the years during and after World War II, Argentina led the way in sheltering Nazi war criminals…..perhaps one of the few occasions when the term was fully justified. Their most famous guest for a while was the notorious genetic genius Doktor Mengele, as a result of which the continent of South America is dotted with cloned natives and kids called Hermann.

6. Head of Radio Luxembourg Jean-Claude Juncker said he found the Greek images of Merkel in a Nazi uniform distasteful. Perhaps he would’ve preferred her in the Youth uniform of the DDR. In a piece of logic worthy of Tony Blackburn, he added “Suddenly these resentments reappeared, that we had thought were long gone. The Italian election campaign was also excessively hostile against Germany and therefore anti-European”. Ah, right then: ‘if you prick Germany, do we not all bleed?’ Well no actually, we don’t. The Germans have completely reverted to type since they became the dominant EU power: bollocks about “everyone is speaking German now” isn’t the way to make friends; ordering another nation’s elections to be cancelled is a tad illiberal; tabloid bigotry about fat Greeks in string vests has, shall we say, echoes of the country’s past; and if you want an example of traditional German juggernaut inflexibility, there is no better one on the planet than its unbending support for the CubMed austerity programme – of which the main architect was, without question, Wolfgang Schäuble.

So you see, ironic gags about Falkland plebiscites, Nazis, Argentina, German panzers, football cheats and Prussian robotics are entirely justified. Caps, fitting, wearing etc. But jokes about tinpot countries like Luxembourg are especially richly deserved when the citizens elect the same clown as Prime Minister for eighteen years. And as my bollocks destruction claims always to be evidenced, herewith Exhibit VII m’lud….Junckers cl0sing parallel from the Spiegel piece:

“There are striking parallels to 1913 in respect to carelessness. Many in Europe back then thought a war could never happen again. The big powers on the continent were economically so closely intertwined that there was a widespread belief they could simply not afford a military conflict. Especially in northern and western Europe there was a deep complacency stemming from the idea that peace was forever granted.”

From end to end, that is utter codswallop. Where in 2013 are two vast German and British navies facing each other? Where a disputed Alsace-Lorraine? Where a vainglorious Wilhelm II at the head of a vast Prussian army? Where two sets of grand alliances in which an attack on Serbia meant the timetable to war would be set in motion?

Not only is there no parallel at all – just Juncker using risible scare tactics – the Luxembourger’s history itself is also extremely wonky. ‘there was a widespread belief they could simply not afford a military conflict’: What moon of which planet did that nonsense come from? Most military observers and Foreign Office strategists felt certain that the naval rivalries and global exploitation aims of Germany and Britain must eventually end in a conflict. Practically all German sources are agreed that, once Britain’s Edward VIII paved the way for the Entente Cordiale with France, a clash of alliances was inevitable. Oddly enough, the Schlieffen plan wasn’t dashed off on August 3rd 1914.

There is only one parallel here, and it is this: beyond Europe, there is a real and increasingly present danger that mad neocon globalist competition and currency wars will eventually lead to a shooting war. In that insane battle for market share, Germany is per capita far and away the most successful and aggressive player in the world. They have reached that position by hard work, and the euro. Jean-Claude Wanker would do well to return to reality at the earliest opportunity.

Is there a solution to these oddly entwined issues? Yes, I think there might be. We could give Herr Juncker the task of mediating between Argentina and the Falkland Islanders, on the strict proviso that he doesn’t come back. A solution to the problem would move further away, but as there is no solution anyway, the exact distance involved is a tangential consideration. Then we could give Cristina Elisabet Fernández de Kirchner (ooh look, she’s got a German surname too) the task of mediating between Berlin-am-Brussels and Southern Europeans who’d like their lives back, on the strict proviso that she repays all the money her countrymen still owe to almost every developed country in the world.

Last night at The Slog: Why the walls of Camerlot will be stormed