ENGLAND IN SHOCK AS CLOCKS GO BACK TO 1379

Serfs stunned by uninvention of Talent Shows

blackdeathgagIn yet another completely unforeseen event, last night in England the clocks went back 634 years. Astonished subjects found themselves under the benign rule of Good King Jeremy I, and his main enforcer The Sheriff of Camerlot.

Royal tax collector and Viking nobleman Bloodaxe Oddspawn insisted that this unexpected change would not affect the post Plague recovery “as Scotland is nought to us, and so we’ll save a bloody fortune”. He noted in particular that there had been a satisfying 0.8% growth in rook exports, bringing the year’s MAT to 9 birds. He further rubbished “Left Wing poppycock about rats carrying plague, for they have not the room for such things in the bodie as any foole can see”.

And jolly Court Jester Danny Loosecannon told all subjects to “rejoice now that there are only 600 years to go before Magwitch Handbag comes forth to slay the socialist serpent by using the magic potions of Milton Notkeynes”.

In turn, Keeper of the Court Record The Sun Goes Round the Earth Rupprecht de Merde-sur-Shlock led with a special edition using the banner headline ‘GOT YE!’ beneath which was a fable concerning ‘bare-breasted inn wenches ready for another scorcher, see Page Three for full details, it’s a comic – for verily can few of you read anyway.’

But not all the peasantry were so sanguine about the changes. “Be not we mindin’ the loss of Elf Ansafety” said Edmund Testicles of Moreley-on-Swamp, “But where’s the Elf Service gone?” King Jeremy has intervened personally to assure Testicles that now the cure for Black Death is only seven corners away, the free apothecary service can be sold to Simple Simon of Stevenage, so shut up or thou shalt get Wat Fore.

Prince Michael Oddcove also announced that all Universities in future would award degrees to everyone “But they must first of all learn to read”. He was referring to the Professors, but did state however that because paedophilia had never existed among Priests “who teach the wyllinge for to read”, he was satisfied that it had been eradicated. Announcing the invention of ‘Cayke’ in the stead of Rooks required solely for export to his quarters, Lord Mayor and Norseman Bogus Witlesson of London announced that all cartwheels must in future bear the official seal of Yeo Timber “excepte that the cartwheels be square, whyche shall be exempted”. Lord Yeo of Timber was later seen doing cartwheels in Rotten Row.

Minister for Crucifixions & Public Quartering Lady Mayfly Ornott nevertheless offered a note of caution to the general jubilation that greeted a return to the 14th Century. “There’s a peasant’s disgust brewing,” she metaphored, “I can feel it in my capacious feet, wherein are my brains situate”. She also warned of Saladin’s revenge, the growing damage caused by Mead-bingeing, and the ever-present threat from Pretender to the Throne Viscount Edward Rubberband.

“The Trouble with King Jeremy” said Viscount Rubberband, “is that he just doesn’t get it. Only I have the knowledge imparted to me by my Court Wizard, Hocus Gropes.”

But the most sour note of the day was sounded by Greenwood dwelling Russell Lustyemanne, leader of the Merry Brand of Sherwood Tights. “Don’t vote,” he told Jeremiah Maxpants. “You can’t vote anyway you superficial and thoroughly silly man,” replied Maxpants amiably.

Closely connected: Life at the University of Crony-on-Neoliberal