SKETCH: NCA denies “vendetta against Number Ten” over sex-beast arrest


In a frantic bid for survival, British Prime Minister and CBB Chairman David Cameron said today he had been “very shocked and then deeply shocked before being profoundly shocked” when told that Number Ten webmaster Patrick Savile-Row’s avatar at the Alice Love site was Brittan Filter. But he told a press conference this morning:

“I have been clear right from when I was told about this issue, pretty much as soon as it was discovered, I’ve been very clear we must handle this in an absolutely correct way and I’m satisfied that that is what Downing Street has done, and I’m not protesting too much well maybe a bit too much when I add that it was only three weeks before we told you lot when some whistleblower told the Mail, but you can rest assured we will all be rolling up our trousers here to muck out our own stables, and ensure at the very least the appearance of world class cleanliness, while hopefully airbrushing out any links to the former Minister for Rough Trade, Mr Lee Harvey Brittan”.

But tonight, voices nationwide are calling for the dismissal of Head of Brain-Programming Mr Scant Scrapps, and the final bringing to justice of serial Health-murderer Jeremy Frunt-Bottomley. Commenting on the allegations he had hastily made against Mr Frunt-Bottomley, Paedophologist and top self-abuse expert Marco Winkle-Tomtit told The Sun, “I think it is now safe to say that he groomed a National Health Service and I had always had this criminology instinct like what I’ve got that chummy ‘ere was a wrongun”.

Writing in the Maily Barclaygraph, twins’ mob moll and BBC cleaning lady Cristina O’Clone told her readers Dulcie and Derek Fritter of 351 The Mansions East Plumley that there was ‘a vendetta by a small but influential communist cell within the NCA to smear Number Ten in order to distract attention away from the obvious sink of filth that is the BBC and its known 6 million paedophiles dedicated to the destruction of the one man who stands between us and unburied dead, Mr Rupert Newscop’. She was later seen being led from the premises by officials from Boris Johnson’s Badly Parked People Taskforce.

Shadow Minister for Not Getting Involved Ms Edith Scooper was forthright in her condemnation of the manner in which Home Secretary Theresa Kray had said nothing about the case, but praised Labour leader Ed Miliband for his long-held desire to enter a Trappist monastery for the duration of the scandal.

Speaking tonight on the Channel 5 gameshow Men live in Bars & Women like Penis, top barrister Meerkat Moron QC told viewers that the only difference between Lee Harvey Brittan and Dave Lee Travis was on the judgemental issue of guilt and innocence, and the words surrounding the word Lee in their names. But she pledged to stay very close to any fees involved in the case against obviously innocent and wrongly-accused dupe Mr Brighton Rock.

Late flash: Metropolitan Police spokesman DI Plodicus confirmed tonight that 13,207 women had bravely decided to come forward and accuse Mr Rock of abusing them on or about the 37th of February 1956-2004 in Paul Gambaccini’s conservatory, with the lead pipe.

Earlier at The Slog: Would you buy a used Trojan Horse from this man?