….Ed Miliband is backing David Cameron’s plan for tougher sentencing on the use of knives. “I’m in total agreement with the Prime Minister on the need to reduce knife violence,” he told a press conference this afternoon, “it must be stamped out”. Westminster sources later confirmed that equal sentences would be handed out whether Leaders had been stabbed in the front or the back.

Later, George Osborne added his weight to the call for all knife ownership to be banned, observing that “Just one little prick in a bubble can bring an entire scam crashing down”. When asked how the lower classes would cut up their pizzas without knives, the Chancellor not unreasonably pointed out that pizzas are bad for a person, and they could do worse than follow Nigella Lawson’s example, whereby cutting a line need not involve the use of a knife at all, as a Black Amex card would do just as well.

But the final word on this lies with Newscorp owner Rupert Murdoch, who broke ranks with the Establishment to insist that nowhere near enough knives are available as it is. Said the Sino-American former convict, “Seems ter me roit, these feckun Judges need to cut awards against the starvan tabloids fer ‘avin’ are freedom o’ breach curtilled to accuse all these evil celebs of cheatun on their adulterahs, like that feckun fadge-packa Russell Brind and izz wog-shaggin’ posh bint Jemima Khan or witevva she’s callin’ ‘erself this week”.

How delightfully put.