At the End of the Day


So it is that Douglas Carswell has parked in Nigel Garage. The Tory with what my Auntie Molly would’ve called “a mouth like a split in a potato pie” has joined forces with the Ukip leader who owns the daftest gob-laugh in British political history. I feel there is a soundbite in there somewhere: Doug and Nige: the duo are for gurning.

Who knows? I certainly don’t. But I do know that, if I was the Ukip leader about to welcome the new Ukip Clacton candidate with open arms, I’d have squared off the old one first. That Mr Barrage failed to do this says it all about the shambolic nature of the United Kingdom Independence Party.

“Until they fire me, shoot me or blow me out of the party for being a rebel then I’m here,” former official Ukip Clacton candidate Roger Lord told a delighted media pack this morning.

Much as the Kippers try very hard to depict themselves as the victims of nastiness from the likes of The Times, the Mail, The Guardian, The Indie and, um, lil ol’ me, this isn’t really how it is. I mean, we don’t make this stuff up. Kipper candidates do say things like shirkers should be flogged, murderers hung, gays put back in their box and bureaucrats shot in front of their children. Indeed, there are times when many a True Brit has similar thoughts.

In my case, such thoughts are largely reserved for David Cameron, whose innately patronising nastiness was to the fore as he responded to the defection today. Dave talked about how unfortunate it was that some people simply didn’t know to behave and couldn’t seem to grasp how destructive they are, but one must soldier on, what? I must say, if I was Nigel Mirage I’d simply use Camerlotspeak on a loop during all my Party political broadcasts. But then, thank God, I’m not.

However, regardless of my musings on the real nature of Nigel, it is hard to deny the core thoughts contained in Carswell’s defection speech today. He told his adoring audience that they talk a good game in the Tory Party, but don’t do anything to back that up.

As if to prove him right, figures released today showed that the Prime Minister’s promise to get immigration (or ‘net migration’ as the peceeyers insist we must call it) below 100,000 is looking a tad sick, as the number is currently closer to 243,000.

Furthermore (and most of us from all ethnicities would rather it was less) the overwhelming majority of the insurgents sorry, migrators, come from the EU, and so Dave can’t stop the inflow.

In fact, Dave gave his cast-iron word in 2010 knowing he couldn’t keep the promise. So then, does he now recant? Nope, he wants to stay in the EU. I hope you can make head or tail of this bollocks, because I can’t.

In the same way that Mr Cameron wants Britain to stay in the European Bunion, he wants Scotland to stay in the United Kingdom…and tonight the great mathematician announced that he would be laying out “the business case” for this result forthwith. We must hope that this case isn’t the same as the HS2 case, a case which (in case you’d forgotten) was put together using the arse-side of old fag packets, thinking of a number, and then halving it in case anyone thought it might not be much of a case after all.

Lord Ashton tweeted tonight to say that we must not be nasty to Douglas Carcrash. I really don’t see why not: he wants to privatise the NHS, when every sinew of every sane brain says “mutualise it”. He wants every organisation to model itself on Tesco, because Tesco stands for 24/7 opening. Well that, plus bribing local government officials, screwing manufacturers’ ears to the nearest concrete wall, and passing off horsemeat as steak. And he jumped the queue to get the Clacton nomination.

So thanks all the same Ashers my dear old psephologist, but nasty is as nasty does.