Theresa Mayormaynott shocked the media yesterday by saying that there are 13,000 slaves in the UK, and the Home Office has no idea where they are.
But Chancellor George Unborne later apologised for the Home Secretary’s misspeak, saying that in fact there are close to 4.4 million slaves in the UK – and his colleague Mr Ian Dunkin-Styffe knows exactly where they all work on zero-hours contracts.
“These NVEs may strike anywhere at any time,” she claimed, “and recklessly make all our lives unbearable by sneakily not disobeying any laws. The cunning of these slaves has to be seen to be believed”. But under pressure, Ms Maypole admitted she had never seen any slaves as such because the Home Office has no idea where they are.
Backing the Home Secretary’s startling revelation, Met Police boss St Bernard Dogan-Bone told stunned reporters, “We urgently seek a suspect known to his associates as Jihadi John Spartacus, thought to be encamped in Croydon prior to a full-scale attack on the Capital.” Commander Shogun-Drone added that London Mayor Boris Johnson was alert to the danger, and had purchased some 25,000 flatpack crucifixion kits in order to facilitate the swift justice he expected to follow.
Security Guard Jack Shit is now thought to be the sole remaining person in London not to have been called a shit by David Mellor. “I think my name might be an important factor in all this,” he told Sun reporter Shao Ting Letterbox. Shao Ting’s Times colleague, Toff Conspiracy Editor Morgan Peer, later alleged that small, defenceless care-home children would be Mr Mellow’s next target. He called for Rolf Harris’s sentence to be doubled “as he is obviously linked to this Satanic filth”.
Flushed with the success of Black Friday, Britain’s shopkeepers have launched Extend the Spend, under which all shopping days between now and Christmas will have a name prefix. Tomorrow sees the first ever Maxedout Monday, to be followed by Tonto Tuesday, Windfall Wednesday, Therapy Thursday, Frantic Friday and Sales Saturday. The final day will be called Christmas Even-now-the-barmy-buggers-are-buying-anything-no-matter-how-pointless. The former Archbishop of Cant Dr. Serge Hairy opined that “this is all part of contemporary Christian life, and the Church must adapt accordingly”. Earlier, Archbishop Hairy had called for all Church bellringers in future to be naked pole-dancers.
There is anger, rage, outcry and fury this morning following the Mail on Sunday opinion column asking British voters to ‘give David Cameron one last chance to get it right’. Mr Fred Dillybland tweeted “How can he get it right when he doesn’t get it my thoughts are with his family’. And the Conservative 1922 Comintern wondered which ‘it’ the Mail was referring to, as in their view everything Mr Cameroid had done was wrong. 1922 Chairman Mr Grayan Shady MP asked in particular why there had been little progress on his proposal to use forced Polish Labour on zero money contracts to build 4,000 new Grammar Schools.
But Chancellor Gorge O’Snorter refuted claims of inactivity, pointing out his new £2bn support for NHS1, alongside a rapidly rising investment in HS2. “Every week,” he told Android McMarr, “the investment in HS2 rises by another billion Pounds, more proof that our longterm railway line is working hard for British infrastructure, before we flog it off to Croatia”.
And finally, there’s good news from the US, where there are booming sales in tree houses. New tree resident and former policeman Mr Darren Wilson said he was looking forward to pulling up the ladder and never coming down again.