Fear stalks people with big offices as 23 political policies trampled to death on World Elephant Day

The Slog reports on recent trumps from Twitter

elephantcropToday being world elephant day, a man in London has appeared in Court on firearms charges. I could’ve told him he’d no chance of hitting an elephant from that distance. Anyway, the world elephant escaped, causing a collision at the junction of Kenley Road and Gloucester Road. Frau Doktor Merkel, meanwhile, is sceptical about the Greek Bailout3….she doesn’t think the elephant on Greece’s back is big enough, and she’s wondering how big the escaped world elephant might be. David Cameron has been spotted running towards Gloucester Road with a very large lasso.

Jacqui Hames has tweeted about a BBC documentary studying what life is like in the UK’s witness protection programme. I can imagine it must be Hell, what with all those camera crews following you around and taking picture of the back of your head set against your distorted voice saying what Hell it is. The world elephant would love to get on a witness protection programme, but the plastic surgery costs might well be horrendous. Not quite as horrendous as the humiliation handed out to Greece by Eurogrope, an opinion with which the vast majority of EU citizens seem to agree: a clear majority often as high as 73% think Drivelbloke & Partners have made a right pig’s ear of it. “A world elephant could’ve done better,” said one respondent in Spain.

That still doesn’t stop the longstanding elephant in Germany’s room being largely invisible to the public. This one is a big smelly beast that stays well out of sight on account of having made a €130 billion euro profit from ClubMed debt repayments (at zero risk to Berlin) while enjoying a flight to safety that has cut its own borrowing costs by 68% in the last two years alone. What we need is for the smelly German elephant to teach the world elephant how to be invisible, then it wouldn’t need a witness protection programme. But with shares in world elephants tumbling on the Shanghai stock exchange, Beijing has decided to put its lumbering Jumbo of a currency on a diet. Japan said this was a Dumbo thing to do, at which point Beijing came up trumps and devalued the Yuan again.

Back in London, a man has been arrested after attempting to drag a world elephant through Knightsbridge while on a stolen moped. I’m pretty sure the man was on the moped not the elephant, which was last seen legging it across Hyde Park in search of a circus dragging an Old Etonian behind him.. If he gets a move on, the world elephant could just make it onto the midday flight to Washington, where there is one helluva circus going on called Candidates for the Republican Party Nomination. Their brand logo being an elephant, the world elephant has always voted GOP, and the smart money says he’ll be waving his trunk for Trump. Mr Trump now describes himself as “semi anti-establishment”, a shrewd appeal to the world elephant vote if ever I saw one.

I rather suspect, however, that our elephant is off to join a circus rather nearer to home, in which the Labour Party looks all set to appoint somebody left-wing as leader. “He really is the most ghastly white elephant,” commented Tony Blair after landing in his gold-plated helicopter at the Big House on the Blairie yesterday. Fred Karno has made a late entry into the contest, because the website for registrations – obviously programmed to expect nothing but right-wing talking heads – crashed when lots of supporters tried to register their vote for Mr Corbyn, who as we know wants to clamp down on genital mutilation for elephants, but likes to feed public schoolboys to his pet crocodiles Karl and Friedrich.

This is the news for today, World Elephant Day. None of it compares in surreality with the idea of increasing Greek debt while stepping up the Teutonic insistence on repayment in full, but admitting that the debt is unsustainable. Next time the German people are asked to vote for some leaders, I suggest they vote in the world elephant with a landslide. Elephants have, after all, very long memories. The current crop of German leaders, by contrast, have faulty memories when it comes to their own heinous crimes in the past, and the mercy shown to them afterwards.

Yesterday at The Slog: 78m unemployed Westerners is not even one cheer for neoliberalism