BREAKING….Global stocks crash ‘entirely down to Jeremy Corbyn’

Former adviser to Gordon Brown Damian McBride came out of some strange and as yet unidentified closet last night to proclaim that his former boss had prevented a cataclysmic Gotterdammerung solar system Apocalyptic meltdown by “nationalising the banking system during the 2008 crash”. Commentators from all points of the political sundial rushed to conclude that McBride was referring to the mass bailout that left us all with a £1.4 trillion debt and liabilities millstone on Mr Broooon’s watch.

“Stock up on canned goods and bottled water as stock markets around the world slide,” suggested McBollocks, “because now Gordon is no longer around to save the world from Jeremy Corbyn, the election of this convicted Stalinist Hamass murderer must surely lead to civil disorder whereinunder no self-respecting Man of the People will be able to leave the house in order to vote for Andy Burnbum”.

Warming to his theme, Herr McBride opined, “It is a well known fact accepted by all suitably informed people of a progressively braindead nature that the single biggest catalyst for this disaster was Jeremy Corbyn denying he had shared bodily fluids with Hamas and Hezbollah leaders, for this led directly to the Arabian markets’ loss of confidence yesterday from which the Chinese who used to be Communists just like Korbynvitch took their lead and lost another 8.5% of something through sheer carelessness following which Labour Party futures fell like a stone onto the FTSE and the ripples hit everything else or something like that”.

Condemning outright this obvious and utterly pernicious Communist attack on free markets, President Barrack Roomdrama vowed to avenge all those patriotic shareholders who had seen their 300% profit margins wiped out by “this beardy-weirdy Brit agitator and his nihilist supporters who would do anything to put down the best economic system the world has ever seen under my consistently hopeful American dream of making no we can’t mean yes we can”.

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