SATIRE ON SUNDAY: madness goes mainstream

Me1 The decision by the World Health Oligarchy to make Adolf Hitler’s preserved moustache a goodwill ambassador to the Middle East has evoked a negative reaction among delusional Little Englanders, as ever falling back on their Dad’s Army view of the world. But the European Union, Recep Erdogan, US Democratic Party leaders, UK Momentum and the Islamic Council of Crewkerne are united in seeing the move as “a bold attempt by the UN to break the deadlock between peace-loving Arab States and the rapaciously imperialist illegal rogue construct known as Israel, may it be immolated by the Will of Allah”.

Following the huge success of Reggie Perrin II and Porridge: the Ready-Brek Years, the BBC has announced that it is to remake Dixon of Dock Green under the working title Dixon’s Docklands Dani. 

In Series 1, new heroine Dani Dixon – PC Dixon’s disillusioned radical feminist cop granddaughter – is on the trail of Islamic homophobes and homosexual islamophobes. But her efforts are continually foiled by robbery with violence, senior level corruption, gangland murders and Russian financial crime on her manor.

The prospective Labour candidate for Brentlamb East Ho Che Dung has come out strongly against what he calls “the counter-revolutionary criminals in Catalonia and the thinly disguised plan to spread their disgusting nationalist creed to the rest of the Spanish Republic that has been steered back to democracy under the wing of the peace-loving European Union”.

Mr Ho has attracted strong support for his position among the ordinary hard-working families of Brentlamb East, which as diligent socialist readers will know is twinned with the Venezuelan township of Guevarlona. However, reactionary running-dog elements have responded somewhat robustly.

Duane Hovel – an unemployed warmonger and openly pro-Brexit agitator – told The Brentlamb Bugle,  “What the fuck has any of this shit got to do wiv the loomin’ problem facing all patriots right, viz and to whit, the imminent overrunnin’ of this Sceptic Isle by hordes of mad Polish rapists hellbent on plunderin’ the welfare resources made available to me?”

Expressing a more bourgeois revisionist Menshevik position, @Philopastry suggested on Twitter that ‘Spain is not a Republic & returned to democracy before it joined the EU’ but was the next day found mysteriously dead after an acid attack. A large card proclaiming ‘Love Not Hate’ was gently pinned to his chest with a bowie knife. The Socialist Worker’s political correspondent Abdul Khomharem said that foul play was not suspected.

Yesterday morning, the BBC’s Andrex McSweatie asked Lord Mincingbum on The Total Hourly Politics Day Now show what he thought about the growth of so-called “fake news”.

“I’m all for it,” the peer replied, “it is nothing new, and really just part of the cut and thrust of politics. I think the EU President Jean-Claude Plonker sets an example for us all when he says that sometimes, it is absolutely vital to lie. You see, in making that statement he is really being scrupulously honest”.

“But, errr, only after the event surely?” McShittie suggested.

“Oh come come,” Lord Manglesum purred, “everything in politics is about timing. Only an idiot admits to telling a lie at the time. I mean really Andrex….I’m surprised at your naivety”.

“I see,” said McFlabbie, “so lying is OK so long as you admit to having lied once nobody cares any more?”

“Certainly not,” countered Ficklebum, “lying isn’t just ‘OK’, it’s vital to the future of open democracy….lying is the means to ensuring that the real Truth prevails in the end.”

“So, is anything real in the news any more?” pressed McSlantie.

“Absolutely,” Lord Fondlebum of Boy asserted, “censorship.”

“But surely censorship hides the news from the people?” McStuffie ventured.

“Of course it does,” his Lordship replied, beaming a wafer-thin smile, “but we have to counter fake news somehow. In censoring the fakery of politicised news, you see, a responsible government is protecting the People from lies – and thus helping them to vote correctly”.

“Would it be better perhaps,” McKneel ventured, “to produce counterfeit news to counter fake news?”

“Heaven forbid that we would ever stoop to that,” squeaked Lord Mandelson of God, “It would represent the most foul hypocrisy if principled politicians were to counter fake news with counterfeit news. It would be bad news if countering fake news counted as real news or even good news when counterfeit news was talking Britain down with bad news that was in reality fake. No no no no no, my firm view is that no news is good news”.

“I see,” repeated the BBC anchor, his face set in a somewhat mystified mould, “Lord Wanglesum, thank you for making all this clear to our viewers.”

“It was my very great pleasure,” the ennobled one hissed.

LGBT champion and mid-course transsexual Henrietta Hank-Bushcock MP gave her maiden speech in the House of Commons last Wednesday. Readers may find this extract instructive:

“I am very proud to be the first person elected to the House of Commons with official access to both male and female lavatories. Socialism is after all about freedom of choice for hardworking ordinary famiies, and in the Love Not Hate space it is absolutely vital to hammer this Human Right home to crypto-Tory prole scumfascist bigots who are too brainwashed to appreciate what we in the vanguard of genuinely relevant issues know only too well….that what is good for us is obviously good for you.

You may ask what our greater intelligence and insight can bring into your lives in these difficult times, but I can do no better than quote the Peruvian radical Hosé Rodrigues di Bollocquiez: “Cosi fan tutti el orificès des frontes ou arrieros y goforitos”.

Such unknowns are entirely in keeping with the nature of the world around us. In central Africa, for example, the plight of gender uncertain leopard cubs has taken on a much-deserved significance of late. Similarly, widespread cases of lesbian giraffe-bashing in Namibia are now a major concern among bisexual volunteers within the World Wildlife Fund.

Knowing you, not knowing really what the fuck I am….ah-haaa!”

Today’s pieces reflect, in order of appearance, real events concerning Robert Mugabe, the  BBC’s risibly unfunny Porridge remake, the hijacking of the Labour Party, Peter Mandelson’s stream of bitchy misrepresentation on Radio 4, and the destructive irrelevance of identity politics