At the End of the Day

me11117(2) Mrs May told us that she is pretty damn sure the Russians poisoned somebody or other. Security services around the world agreed, and asked for 27,901,435 other offences to be taken into account, on their own account, as it were.  Boris Johnson has summoned the Russian Ambassador to give an answer by the end of tomorrow. May will then return to the Commons on Wednesday to update MPs on the ‘full range of measures’ to be taken against Russia if there is no credible response.

This “news” item satirises itelf, and thus need no further help from me.

American Royal bride-to-be Meghan Markle’s decision to wear a beret as part of her ensemble the other day is being hailed by fashionistas as a rebellious attempt to signal her feminist views. Personally, I see deeper, darker beliefs in play here: I strongly suspect that Meghan was giving vent to her necro tendencies towards Che Guevara.

And now, the sole piece of absolutely verifiable news from the weekend: five people died after a tour helicopter carrying six people crashed into New York’s East River on Sunday evening. It was engaged in a photoshoot. Two people were pronounced dead immediately, and three others died later.

On this occasion, shit happened. Nobody on board was famous, political, outrageous or LGBT. The development of conspiracy theories is thought to be unlikely.

Had I been editing an online organ last night, I would’ve splashed it. No pun intended there: I’d have made it my front page lead purely for the 97% level of Truth involved.

Hubert de Givenchy, the man famous for designing dresses for Audrey Hepburn while eating his daily breakfast at Tiffanys, has died aged 91. Most French sureté detectives are not treating the death as suspicious, but renegade legend Jacques Clouseau told reporters this afternoon that “There is a time to laugh and a time not to laugh, and this is not one of them… is not all shoot-shoot, bang-bang, you know, and sometimes we need to eat our apples with decorum….Monsieur Givenchy was very famous, but anonymity is a virtue. Every fool knows that. Anonymity is next to cleanliness and I don’t have to tell you what that’s next to, certainly not. He was highly decorated….why, only last week I saw him dressed from head to foot in wallpaper from Filofax and Fouling-Cabinet in London’s exclusive Blings Road”.

And finally, the Daily Mail reports that China has built an assembly line to mass produce cutting-edge ‘super materials’ that can perform the previously impossible, including one that renders objects invisible.

Western social media were tonight in meltdown as users clamoured for more information on how to hide utterly tedious people from view. Top Ten subjects for disappearance so far are:

  1. Jennifer Lawrence
  2. Kim Jong Un
  3. Hillary Clinton
  4. Emmanuel Macron
  5. Federica Mogherini
  6. Guy Verhofstadt
  7. Owen Jones
  8. Jeremy Hunt
  9. Narendra Modi
  10. Diane Abbott

In the last hour, the NSA, CIA, FBI, NATO, MI5, MI6, SAS and IRA have offered their services to ensure permanent disappearance of anyone on the list “especially Number 6”.