Under direct orders from my superiors in MI6, I have spent this afternoon rounding up the usual suspects. Theresa May, Michel Barnier, Justin Trudeau, chemical weapons dealers, the Swedish Immigration Service and the New York Times all plead not guilty to signs of incipient madness.
First up tonight, a slight variation on the old Liverpool folk song Dat Dairty Maggie May:
Oh dirty Th’resa May, they’ll be takin’ her way
an’ yer won’t see her in Downing Street no more.
For the Brits they’ll guilty find ‘er of robbin’ the Waspis blindah
That dirty no-good Tory Th’resa May.
In the House of Commons pit, she lied through teeth of grit.
Thirty coins of silver was ‘er pay…..
But Back to Sixty told ‘er, “Before you get much older
we’ll pension you off, dirty Th’resa May”.
Over in the City of Sprouts, Michel Barmier has just told the media that, to get Brexit, the UK will have to bow in perpetuity to the rulings of EU Courts and the ECJ.
Speaking at Le Coin des Parleurs in Brussels, M. Barmier told an audience of seven curious passers-by that “It is only a matter of time before our Glorious Union brings the USA to heel along with Ecuador, Patagonia and the Philppines”.
Belgian witness Marc-Henri Frite told The Slog, “I had to move away from this odd man because I was covered in foam”.
And in Canada, Inspector Trudeau of the Quebec sureté is on the trail of a man dressed in long white robes who yesterday beheaded 77 vergers.
“Our cheff soospect,” Trudeau began, “Eez ze lerng-sought creeminal Lawrence of Arabbia, zer fiendish head of Perfide Albion, an organeezacion which erfton swans about in serch robs. ‘e used a sceemitar for wheech ‘e ‘ad no leesarnce, and as evray Islamic in Canada has a leesarnce, ‘e merst be ze culpreet. He is a vagrarnt wizzout a rherm and ‘e ‘as a minkee. Der nert approsh eem, but instead dial me on ma mobeel fern 0033 007911666 an ask fuerr Sharia”.
Containers with chlorine from Germany and smoke grenades produced in Salisbury have been found in liberated Eastern Ghouta, claims the Russian Foreign Ministry.
Upon close inspection by our best brains here at Sloggers’ Roost, the grenades have been traced to the smokegetsinyoureyes.co.uk website, owned and run by international Man of Pissartistry Boris Jobsdonavich. They are thought to have been developed for extensive use when briefing journo johnnies, French President Manuel Macaroni, and the American missile terrorist, Tweeting Don Trumpo.
Swedish experts are desperately searching for ways to improve or replace the carbon dating system it uses to decide the age of Afghani immigrants.
“We are a little disappointing and confuse with our results so far,” commented Svennnn Rosstrummm of the Swedish Immigration service, “because 296,000 applicants we estimated to be four million years old have turned out to be on average twenty-seven years old, having told us they were between twelve and sixteen years old de hoop de hart de herp”.
Last September, the National Board of Forensic Medicine produced a report showing that 83% of its opinions were wrong, and the remaining 17% were based on elks in disguise.
A Swedish delegation will be coming to the UK during May to consult with Yvette Cooper, the leading Labour politician known to be a World Class scientist in the burgeoning sport of Darkroom Penknife Ageing techniques.
Finally, while physicists the world over still struggle to decide whether Time exists or not, the New York Times has mastered the art of dilating it.
In a controlled experiment on Twitter conducted over the last fortnight, the NYT has told potential readers that they have just 24 hours to save money on a year’s subscription to the paper. The Time available to take it up on the offer has expanded by 14 times over that period – a staggering 14 times more than the people who responded to the promotion.
“We are not called the New York Times for nothing,” said jubilant NYT research and development head Ruth Liberwoman with suitable emphasis, “and this test proves conclusively that we can control the passage of Time. Our ultimate goal of course is to make Time stand still so we can then predefine the quantum future of Democratic hegemony”.
Ms Liberwoman’s first experiment in 2016 saw the NYT baffle the world by proving that electoral projections could be 98% correct and then 100% wrong within one 18 hour window. Recently, the newspaper’s editorial has also predicted that Assad will be 100% to blame for gas-bombing his own people, and Putin will be shown 100% responsible for the attempted poisoning of the Skripals with Novichok.
“I think the unanimity of all Western media on this point shows that we now have Time totally under control,” added Ruth, before heading off for an unexpected internal meeting to discuss falling sales.