It’s hard to avoid the feeling that tomorrow’s Rich People’s Vote March aimed at
destroying Brexit having a final say on The Deal is going to be a bit of a non-event, given that, um, there’s no final deal to have A Say about. But I am nevertheless looking forward to it, because – call me wacky – I can never get enough of silly speeches that are so obviously hostages to historical fortune, the perpetrators are doomed to become the political equivalent of UK hurricane dismisser Michael Fish.
I had sincerely hoped that Baron Adenoids was going to speak, but alas even the unelected control freaks behind Our Great March long since recognised that he is a human own-goal of such unspeakably negative powers, they dare not risk it.
London Mayor Sadiq ‘Yes we Khan’ gets top billing, and his delusional drivelling will be fun to deconstruct. The same goes for Chuka Ummana, a bloke seemingly incapable of spotting the irony of his fight to silence the sort of voters without whom the Labour Party will never govern again. His is therefore, by definition, an incredibly principled stance.
However, for sheer muddled, 1984 Doublespeak, we can always rely on vegetarian Caroline Lucas to give every objective satirist the kind of red meat guaranteed to make the Nation lose bladder control. Yesterday, she gave The Mirror a foretaste of the labyrinthine logic to come:
Yes, a referendum victory for those who wish to leave the EU must be opposed because democracy didn’t end on the day they voted. It in fact began anew, in a democratic bid to overturn democracy. But no grudges here: the last two years have been a disaster and so there must be the sort of forgiving revenge in which those determined to save the Planet from ghastly omnivores will mete out rough, democratic Rule of Law justice to all those people who voted antidemocratically to leave an antidemocratic wannabe corporate Superstate.
But worry not, for David Davis is all set to deliver us from this farrago of farcical fearmongering falsehood and funicular transport of fornicatingly fawning fiddle-de-dee. Allegedly.
For DD – the Tory leader we never quite had – is (it seems) ready to oust The Bloody Difficult Woman in Downing Street.
If only everything was a simple as the Daily Express suggests. In 2018, ousting is not simply a matter of jousting. You can’t just charge at your opponent with a bloody great lance, knock her off a horse and then proceed to the winners’ enclosure.
Other chaps like Jeremy Hunt, Philip Hammond, Boris Johnson and even Anna Soubry are likely to chance their lance-holding arms in a challenge to pick up the crown currently rolling around on the damp turf of Camelot.
As always with the Tory tabloid media, there is much talk of rebellion, but little if any recognition of process. This is the Conservative Party way of doing things: there is a huddle of Cabinet Beasts, following which the huddle members each in turn request a meeting with the Prime Minister. One by one, they tell the PM that his or her resignation is the best alternative, the less pleasant alternative being that they will use full frontal stabbing to remove said PM and demand a leadership election via letters to the Chairman of the 1922 Committee.
I still feel that such is likely to hand the Premiership to Jeremy Hunt. We shall see.
Nick Clegg, meanwhile – one of the leading figures in the movement to reverse Brexit – has decided to top up his already obscene EU pension by joining that other great defender of Free Speech, Facebook. Mr Cleggover was, you will I’m sure recall, the former leader of the Liberal Democrats – a Party previously committed to civil rights and plurality of opinion.
On the whole, I think it is fair to say that Mark Zuckerberg has done more than most to undermine individual liberty in the US by censoring incorrect dissidents and collecting personal data on behalf of the various Alt States. But with Nick ‘Napper’ Clegg, God bless ‘im, supping with the Devil has never been an activity requiring the long spoon: dear me no. Slick Nick is happy to dive headfirst into the trough and leave Beelzebub gaping in awed admiration.
‘Sir’ Nicholas represents the classic Left-hemisphere sociopath outwitting every Right-hemisphere fluffy Remainder, as scientifically analysed in yesterday’s Slogpost.
But never forget: all the bad people voted to Leave. All the good people voted to Remain. It’s obvious, innit? I mean, bloke darn the Draghi & Fascist told me so. Stands to reason.