It is my very happy duty to report to you all that – despite last minute stalling by by the Ruritanian EC Commissioner for Childish Midwinter Solstice Celebrations – Christmas will be happening on time this year. Sten Ritter confirmed that, after a lengthy investigation of all the ins, outs, blacks, whites, Tuesdays and Marble Arches of the situation had been thoroughly investigated, it was an open and shut case. He thus proposed to close the case before any meddlesome journalists started asking any impertinent questions.

But there was immediate controversy after the great-great granddaughter of Jakob Ludwig Felix Mendelssohn, one Mitzy Mendelssohn, went on France24 News to declare that no member of her distinguished musical family had ever been “the sort of low-life that typifies journalism today, Mein Gott it should happen to Hitler”.

Denying the British Government’s charge of stalling, Herr Ritter ignored Mad Mitzy and told a globally transmitted news conference starting three hours late how he gave his categorical assurance to all UK Remaindeer that Santa Claus really does exist, and “Adolf the Redfaced Reindeer will once again be delivering toys to all good boys and girls who believe in a federal United States of Europe.”

Westminster MPs in turn denied charges of being divided on the Brexmas issue. “That simply isn’t true,” said leader of the 4-wheel Drive Select Committee Anne Subaru, “We MPs are eighty percent for federal fascism….it is our subjects the people of Britain who are out of step and asleep at the wheel on this one”.

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I should like to take this very last-minute chance to wish you all a very Confusing Christmas and a surreal 2019. I do this solely in the knowledge that the both are racing certainties.

A genuinely heartfelt welcome to all those who joined the Sloggers Army in the last year, and unquenchable thanks go to the 30,000 who (to one extent or another) have been popping in here since 2010.