My very dear British friends
You find yourselves in a very taxing situation, but don’t worry because I’m here to help you evade the worst parts of it: being a Luxembourgeois, nobody can match my tax evasion expertise, so you would do well to heed my lips and read my sounds.
There are those in your peripherally irreverant little island who think I wish to give the lie, but nothing could be nearer to the Truth. The reality is that, to avoid disaster, you must give up now and accept that I will only let Britain leave the EU over your dead body. As I said (trying to give a tactful hint) two years ago, you are no longer important to Europe. More cruel people than I would simply let you go and drift under the horizon, but that is not my way. Sadly, in your neck of the trees you cannot see the wood. So let me be of some help to you.
It has always been my way during the long and often-weaving path of my life to show respect and affection for people by shitting on them and, after a few Tia Marias, even at times to fall on top of them. You have to take me with a cellar of salt, because I am a deep horse, and not the pissing head as portrayed by your filthy tabloid mediums. I fall down because I am Twine-Toad, not because I am a compulsory drinker. I may seem to you unsteady on my feet, but I can still jump into the speeding gravy boat with the best of them.
Now about this deal negotiated by your ironic lady and her toy baby Golly Robinsons….I do not need to point out what a ticking clock of shit it is, do I? Of course not. You pay us 39bn€ for nothing and wind up with less power and more bureaucracy than you had before? Hahahahahaaaa….we have stitched you down and believe me, you are not out of the woodwork yet.
Do you think Theresa May is an imbecile? Quite right! She is…..but she is also up against the Big Swinging Guns here. NATO, the Sureté, MI6, George Soros and the CIA….they are all on the luggage, and absolutely determined to make it difficult for you unless you cooperate completely with them. I am telling you – as your friend, the only one really on your side – that between you me and the bedsheets, you may see we the men of Brussels as the Titanic, but it’s either that or just the iceberg to keep the bull from the horns.
And do not become fixtated with what you see as our problems. Small issues like French deficits, Italian banks insolvencies, eurozone debt and Dollar liquidity withdrawal are all matters of money that will seem insignificant once our new migrants settle down and start drawing welfare. Signor Draghi has his finger on the pulse, and he will shift it onto the electronic money tree button should events require such action.
As for these idiots the Yellow Vets, they are just a rabble of animal rights fascists and Communist fox hunting saboteurs determined to bring down everything President Macron has been doing to get France back En Marche, which by the way is French for selling everything to the stock markets in a mutually Centrist manner.
With regard to your vote tomorrow, I send all MPs buying tickets for the White Star Line voyage my best wishes. I must underline once again that no lifelines will be thrown at Mrs May: she needs only to toe the line with us and spin a line to your Vulgarian lower House and all will be well…..pockets will be lined, red lines will be forgotten and everyone will be brought into line. You rebels must draw a line somewhere in the sand, wait for the tide to come in, and then realise at last there was no line in the first place.
Only then – like our reformed Greek colleague Alexei Spinprat – will you be able to heal your Achilles tendencies and join the heels among the 48% of EU loyalists who have fought such a valiant rearguard action against the populist Mob.
Thank you for reading my carefully reasoned explanation of where the Truth lies. And never forget, when it comes to Leavers and Remainers, Remainers are stupid but Leavers are crazy. We can’t build one strong European State out of crazy people, but it’s going to be a walk in the dark with stupid people.
As sincerely as ever