I defy anyone not to find the current state of UK politics a source of endless disrespecting laughter. Below, The Slog presents for your enjoyment the unthinking lust of strange bedfellows, a brief history of purged Treasurinas, the hypocrisy of straw-grasping whores, the spin of desperate Boris bints, the javelins aimed at Sajid, the beastly beatitudes of Brexiphobic Bercow, the Mob in Mobentum, and the everlasting Truth of IABATO – It’s All Bollocks And That’s Official.
Where there is no consensus (and no sight of one on the horizon) brutality inevitably follows. The ending may well be tragic, but along the way it is pretty well nonstop inadvertent hilarity.
When the People have been undermined, cheated and then ignored, there is at least some semblance of a liberal democratic argument that those responsible among the powerful must be purged. BoJo’s Arsefinder General Dom Cummings is only now getting into his stride. Yesterday, he fired Sajid Javid’s key adviser Sonia Khan, and then had the cops escort her from Number Ten before anyone could change their minds.
Ms Khan was a former adviser to Chancellor Philip Hammond. Dominic Cummings accused her of misleading him about persistent contacts with those close to Hammond, the Stop no-deal Brexit Oberstürmbannführer presiding happily over an injudicious mélange of Stalinists, Friedmanites, feminists, Hamas supporters, Friends of Israel, loons, nutjobs in silly hats, Pride marchers and Millennials who occasionally turn up to vote.
What 99% of you won’t know is that Our Sonia used to be a mover and shaker in the “far Right” Taxpayers Alliance. So any Europhile fluffies, feminists, collectivists, Stalinists (etc etc, see above para) might want to bear this in mind before signing her up for the Socialist Workers’ Party thing.
There is a very, very big picture in play here. Eighteen months ago I posted to say that the Treasury was obviously Remain HQ, and Hammond should go with most of his staff. After May’s abdication and Hunt’s thumping defeat, Hammond took poison, and now Cummings is engaged in a mopping up post Swamp draining. The one fly in the antiseptic ointment is Javid himself…..a Remain voter and former Deutsche Banker presumably given office because Boris quite likes him, and he has strong City connections.
A “furious row” followed, and in turn members of the surviving Treasuriat gathered for a meeting with Mr Cummings. He told them all to “fuck off if you don’t like it….there’s the door”. Sajid is considering his position. The case continues, with a great deal of menstrual tension in the air.
Meanwhile, the Dowing Street press office had to come up with some credible damage limitation. This was their line as of late last night:
‘The PM and the chancellor are working closely together. It has already been an incredibly productive relationship.’
Had the CIA press office tried to explain on November 23rd 1963 that the multidirectional single bullet in Dallas ‘already enjoyed an incredibly productive relationship’ with the President’s head, it probably wouldn’t have washed. The American People had to make do instead with the Warren Commission and its unique interpretation of the Laws of Physics; but their report was nearly equalled in sheer bare-faced incredulity by Number 10’s evening release yesterday.
The truth is that Javid is an anomaly, a globalist, a banker and a firm opponent of Britain getting out from under the EU. He is Chancellor not to create, but to placate. And lest we forget, arch coup artist and allround villain Sir Mark Sedwill is still in place. But there is always room for more in the tumbril.
“Ding, ding!…h’all very tight please, next stop Notre Dame, then Place de la Guillotine, where this service will terminate…..as indeed shall you”.
One potential future client of Madame La G is the world’s most biased political referee, John Bercow. I’m not sure Speaker Bercow ever had much of an acquaintance with the constitutional plot involved in his job, but he seems to have transferred himself from Speakerschair United to Remoan Wanderers without any regard for the contradictions involved in so doing. Now he is openly vowing to Stop the Coup.
Being in a holiday mood, I tweeted yesterday to ask whether someone should kidnap Little John, and demand a £39bn ransom from the EU for his safe return. I felt this would be a good barometer as to just how desperate Brussels now is to stop the BoJo Express.
The most accurate reply I got suggested that ‘They would send us a thank you card without a stamp’, but I suspect another response – ‘We could enter him in a dwarf-throwing contest’ – gains precedence based on the Gilbert & Sullivan dimension of crime and punishment….and it did sound like good value spectator-sport fun.
My original tweet was inspired by an EC source laying out before a grateful Slog one of the funniest Brusselian sketches I’ve read in a long time. A brief extract will suffice to give you the flavour of it:
‘The Commission’s we-will-squash-them tendency was supremely confident ten days ago. However, the Blitzkrieg of Boris/Cummings/Symonds moves to chop off such balls as the UK Remainers enjoy has produced a reaction best described as the transformation of former foodie foxes into latterday headless chickens’.
It has also, of course, brought forth the unpleasant underbelly of the Corbynista Labour Party, and the unfulfilled violence of its PR agency Momentum. Such things might not be funny for long, so we must enjoy the cognitive überdissonance while it lasts.
After two years of fearmongering drivel that featured gridlocked roads, blocked bridges and blockaded ports, the chaps from Momentum announced late on Thursday that they would begin a campaign of, um, gridlocking roads, blocking bridges and blockading ports. There’s little better than a programme of deliberately created chaos when it comes to the self-fulfilment of your own prophecies. It’s rather like George Soros predicting a rise in the value of air shortly after buying the Earth’s atmosphere from God.
And as if to prove the incontinent insouciance, this was the second half of Saturday lead at The Times:
‘The food industry says that it fears a “complete and catastrophic embargo” on exports in the event of a no-deal Brexit after the government admitted that it had yet to apply for regulatory clearance required for selling animal products to the European Union.’
A little analysis here: Whitehall (not Johnson) has failed to renew its selling permit on food to the EU after March 31st came and went without the forecast surrender. No doubt this was the result of them having planned for suppliant Commons agreement to the Ollie Robbins Brino Instigation Taskforce, or ORBIT for short. Anyway, if we don’t send the permit by October 31st, we’re all going to starve.
Four deconstructive points:
- I rang a contact from the Department for Environment, Food & Rural Affairs this afternoon…a former close-to-Owen Paterson adviser. The source was aware of the anomaly, denied the Times story, and said the application could be approved in a matter of hours in a case of force majeur
- Even if we fail to export this stuff, that’ll mean more for the folks at home, n’est-ce pas? Obesity might result, starvation is somewhat less likely
- ‘The food industry says’ is just more Newscorp horseshit. There is not an iota of backup in the piece for this claim
- The “complete and catastrophic embargo” is pure 24-carat hysterical speculation.
IABATO* rules, OK.
Fears grow, fury as, chaos ahead, panic looms, new shock, Minister not told, coup purge horror, Brexit poison, Special No Deal probe and somewhere over the rainbow there’s a wicked witch plotting to crash us out.
Let’s face it, you have to laugh.
* It’s All Bollocks And That’s Official