The Covid Second Wave: survival advice from Doris Jobsdone

My loyal quasi-Imperial Subjects,

Yes, it’s me again – pinning another set of instructions on the notice board. As you can see they are invisible for security reasons, but I can give you the gist in this inclusive column I have graciously agreed to write for Mr Slog, on the grounds that he isn’t Andrew Neill.

Now whatever Communist propaganda you have seen put about by the likes of unionised health workers, Didier Raoult and my former ally Donald Trump who has obviously gone mad, let me reassure you here and now that there is going to be a Second Wave of Covid19. I know you’re all looking forward to it, and equally you know I am a good ol boy who fucks everything with a pulse and doesn’t renege on his promises.

Why do I know the Second Wave is coming? Well, this is because all our experts whose genius long ago raised them far above all the drones who saved my life three months ago agree that it is….and of course, great minds always think alike. Also, having received their fearlessly honest alarmism, I went to my 1971 Boys Book of Readers Digest Epidemiology and everything they said checked out.

The thing that already tells us the Second Wave is imminent is that we are seeing huge rises in cases. Cases are very important, because PHE established some time ago that every case becomes a death, thus giving the lie to Putin-controlled site Worldometer and its ridiculous allegation that 99.1% of Coronavirus cases cause only mild symptoms.

There are other agitators who will try and convince you that the increase in recorded cases is nothing more than an increased level of testing. All I can say is, the testing programme instituted by the Trotskyite dingbats who have penetrated the Department of Health is pure poppycock and seems incapable of identifying anyone with one head, let alone Covid19.

And so, as we steel ourselves to the task of dealing with this monstrous virus deliberately foisted upon the world by slitty-eyed yellow Maoists whom I once courted with a view to importing G5 stuff, it is my solemn duty and great pleasure to announce the following necessary measures to defend this, our Island Nation, from the ravages of a devious, deadly mass-murderous enemy who must and will be defeated…..

  1. In recent weeks, it has become very clear that the virus only attacks live human beings. We are therefore going to institute a comprehensive strategy of reducing its chances of spreading via a sensitively designed programme of reducing the supply of water to all those jobless households contributing nothing to gdp in this our hour of greatest need. That is to say, cutting off their access to water, and banning them from supermarkets.
  2. The Death penalty is to reintroduced for anyone found guilty of helping such people – a sensible measure, in that they too will become dead and thus immune to Covid19.
  3. It is predicted by the Imperial College VAXX4all department that the Second Wave will reflect further mutation in the virus involving symptoms that include projectile vomiting over a distance of some 30 metres. Recent seaborne arrivals of migrants having ensured that everyone is within 15 metres of everyone else, it will be necessary – as a precautionary measure – to demolish half of all housing in the country. Not only will this create more space for effective social distancing, it will also result in widespread loss of life for those at home when the demolitions start without warning. This will further depress the number of live citizens open to attack from this appalling viral cul

I am sure you will join me in welcoming these measures, and the further evidence they offer all decent voters that Conservatives are committed to saving lives at any cost, including purely material considerations such as the National Debt, gdp, the stock markets, our banking system and social welfare budgets.

Thank you and goodnight.

Lady Doris of Downing Street