I’m delighted to be asked by Mr Slog (after only minimal badgering by my good self) to write a regular column here. After all, we are – every one of us – in the same boat, and all suffer the same need for filthy lucre as the deadly killer covid victim mountains pile up unburied in the streets, thanks to the cowardly unwillingness of mask denialists and conspiranoid wreckers to help in this, Our Finest Hour since Radio 4 Woman’s Hour last week.

Here in Number Ten, young Wilfred’s name has of course been put down for Eton, and such schools are wont to ask for upfront spondoolicks. Equally, I’ve had to placate Carrie by coughing up for a few frocks in her role as First Thingy. So the odd bit of scrivening like this comes in jolly handy.

As ever, it is my duty as Prime Minister to protect you from all those Johnny Conspiranoids out there just gagging to tell you that Covid19 is nothing to worry about, and the Labour Party have all the answers. Poppycock! Given half a chance, they’d have made exactly the same Horlicks of it as we have.

We have put our trust in the science, and his has served us well. Professor Ferguson has given us a ten-fold buffer for our NHS protection focus, and when one takes into account real inflation since 2006, Neil has cost us no more than last time.

As for PHE’s mathematical errors, well – mistakes have been made and lessons learned, but no heads will roll. We must all remember the pressure they’ve been under and let all those who are innocent cast the first stone……right, that’s enough stones thank you, it was a figure of speech like “Dead in a ditch” and so forth.

I reject entirely the charge that Herd Immunity is possible – for heaven’s sake we are civilised human beings, not cattle. From the very start it has been obvious to me that the likes of Professor Horby may have killed 38 drug trial patients to prove that HCQ is all French hokum, but this is war and look I just said, no more fucking stones, can somebody get that Cressida Dick woman on the line and tell her to get a bloody move on….

Finally, let me reassure you about the economy – or as I prefer to call it, The City. I have been speaking at length to all those patriotic and staunch Bullingdon chaps with me at Oxford, and they insist that a fresh start with a clean slate and lots of cars with the engine running are exactly what the United Kingdom needs if it is to make its own way in the World once everything goes tits-up.

So we shall not shirk from further lockdowns, hastily prepared vaccines, water cannon, martial law, further deregulation of censorship and suspended elections in our bid to do whatever it takes to protect you from yourselves.

Your ever,

Doris of Downing Street