The Slog offers some 21st Century satire as the best short-term palliative in a world gone stark staring, dribblingly eye-rolling insane on every imaginable level
Matt Hancock tests positive for Lobotomy20 syndrome
Caught unawares by Sanity Inspectors as he wandered the streets of London aimlessly in the early hours today, British Health Minister Matthew Handcock was wrestled to the ground and, under Proposal 43, Subsection 4,069 of the 2020 Nutters Act, forcibly subjected to a lobotomy test.
Covid Field Marshal Werner von Clown commented, “He was very obviously incoherent, but a swift and painless drill into his brain employing Black & Decker equipment armed with a Mark VI concrete-piercing drill quickly established the suspect recently underwent a highly successful lobotomy that had robbed him of all creative thought”.
Prime Minister Doris Jobsdone told The Slog, “I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. This is all Leftwing poppycock, Tim Yeo is not guilty, and I continue to have complete faith in Mr Hancock’s incompetence”.
Experts predict Donald16 Second Wave by end October
Hugely experienced Medical expert opinion pollsters in the US say that a second wave of the deadly killer Donald16 virus is now imminent.
“Only voting for the Democratic Taxidermy candidate Joe Biden can save the World from Donald20,” opined highly respected and hugely buttocked political guru Kim Karcarcrashian, adding:
“Even if we have to shut the entire planet off forever and kill every human being on it, this can only be for the longterm good. A vote for Trump is a vote for telling celebrities to stick their opinions up the back bottom. Surely every thinking Hello reader knows that, and will join me in calling for a permanent Celebrity Majority on the Hill to act as a check and balance on people like Trump whose sole justification is being elected by ballot-stuffing poor people playing on the banjo in Kentucky trees”.
MASS PANIC AS PARROT VOMITS IN BILLABONG KOOLABAR TREE
Earth’s biggest Island Australia nearly sank this afternoon as 73 trillion Australians drove at high speed to escape an outbreak of Vomit19 in the Billabong clothing store’s famous tree that houses some five deadly parrots.
The people of Perth noted a distinct change in the natural horizontal as the crazed car drivers sped towards anywhere and anything that wasn’t Queensland.
Escapee Wayleen RooJoey told the Daily Rupert, “It was them or Us or perhaps It or Me but either way you know what, I followed the Government’s guidelines to the letter. They warned us that this horrible chinky slant-eyed spawn of the Devil would leap onto another species, and this is cast-iron proof that it’s happened and once the feckin’ dingos gerrit, that’s it mite, curtains”.
The Canberra Government moved swiftly to ban all heavy breathing, and called for asthmatics to report for internment immediately. It also appealed to all those with a degree in mathematics to help in the decision-making process.
Barnier in Gilets Jaunes/Fishing Rights swop offer to break Brexit deadlock
In a dramatic move tonight, EU Brexit negotiator Michel Barnier offered to give the United Kingdom “as many Gilets Jaunes as they want” in return for EU nation fishing rights in British waters.
Addressing a press conference in Brussels, M. Barnier stated, “This is a once in a lifetime chance for the British People to benefit from the addition of this great organisation that hates us almost as much as you do. We in the peace-loving EU of long-proven democratic values will reluctantly give away absolutely free and without strings millions of these fine citizens in a last-ditch attempt to save these talks which are, let’s be clear here, of very little concern to us.
“All we ask is that you allow a few keen amateur anglers to fish for the odd minnow here and there in your waters”.
Serial Remoanoid litigant Gina Miller hailed the offer as “yet more evidence of the European Union’s good intentions”. But high-profile Green MP Caroline Lucas told The Guardian, “I strenuously oppose the use of teleost genocide as a bargaining chip, and wholeheartedly support the forcing of Britain by international pacifist arms to obey everyone at all times”.