It’s a natural fact

I bring you news today that everything is the same as it always was, only different. Middle Earth is going all Hair musical. Boris Johnson is the incurable shit we always suspected he was. Everyone spent Lockdown getting very drunk. And presidential historians are the new rock n roll.

It seems that there is to be nudity in the new Amazon web production of the Tolkein classic cure for insomnia, Lord of the Rings.

Bored of the Rings is a common syndrome, and so the Naughty Bits vaccine (developed by AstraGlaxoSanofi Phlogiston NWO Incorporated) is to be inserted into the series in an attempt to raise the interest level above apathy. What can I say beyond the observation that watching Snuffle Hogbottom and Derisiore Middlepuddle copulating is unlikely to pull me in, let alone off.

I note that the PM has finally put away his Skull & Crossbones ensign in favour of the Dull & Happyboris flag. This was confirmed by his virtual “Conference” speech to an auditorium even more empty than his rhetoric earlier this week:

“… is not enough to go back to normal…in the light of this plague, life must change….”

Or put it like this, BoJo wants us all to be abnormal, and see The New Flu as the Black Death. No doubt his defence in the Peace Crimes Court will be zat he voss only obeyink ordus.

I’d imagine that the next step will be the replacement of Land of Hope & Glory by a new work to be composed by Doctor Anthony Fauci, entitled Symphony from the New World Order. Not for nothing do I tend to refer to the First Among Equals as Doris Jobsdone – a bit of a girlie toeing a line.

‘The new chief executive of Tesco said this morning that his job would be to maintain momentum after online food sales doubled and pre-tax profits surged during the coronavirus crisis.’

The UK’s largest supermarket posted a 28.7% rise in pre-tax profits to £551 million. What CEO Ken Murphy didn’t foghorn forth was the fact that, during lockdown, alcohol sales were up 42%….insider sources tell me.

It’s hardly surprising: studies found that, while 25% of adults were morning drinkers between Apr 2019 –Feb 2020, the figure rocketed up to 38% during lockdown in April 2020.

We are a naturally convivial pack species, and so this finding is entirely in keeping with accepted intuitive experience: when starved of community and the stimulation of conversation, bordeom sets in, and a broadly typical psychographic relieves the ennuie with drugs….of which by far the most socially acceptable is alcohol.

Probably this will be repackaged and then regurgitated by the Covidiots (led no doubt by Smears Moron) as follows….

“New evidence suggests that during lockdown, a great many people held drug-fuelled parties at home in which depraved practices ignoring social distancing and mask apparel took place. This proves that the more brutish among us deserve to infect each other..but lockdown prevents them from infecting other sensibly progressive families happy to accept that living in an open prison for much of the time is really not that bad at all”.

You see, it’s not true that there are lies, damned lies and statistics…the Truth is that there are liars, incorrigible liars, and those who bend statistics towards their own surreal interpretation of which way is up.

And finally, is Trump going to die in very short order?

We don’t know, but this serious outbreak of wacky correlation where there is no correlation as such is evident in a USAToday piece that opines as follows:

‘…..presidential historians say President Donald Trump’s handling of his COVID-19 infection has become downright dangerous because he’s providing misleading information during a deadly pandemic and is not being transparent about his health….’

It is, let’s face it, an original (not to say weeeeiiiird) mode to adopt when your assessing expertise: presidential historians say.

  • Political commentators say that the choice of midfielders being adopted by Jurgen Klopp at Liverpool FC will be deleterious to the team’s Premiership hopes
  • The Editor of Knitting Today has told her readers that – following a lifetime of spectating death by guillotine – she is certain that Nancy Pelosi is a teetotaller
  • My newly acquired Kitten Benito has signalled to me that cold fusion is impossible
  • Close neighbour and rearer of Penguins Jean-Luc Déchette has believed since the age of nine that Elvis Presley stole his pet squirrel.