Santa sack shocker

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“What am I going to do with all this stock already?”demands globally renowned Amazon competitor Claus from the safety of his secret grotto in Golders Green, “Covid, schmovid….this should happen to Hitler…it’s all part of the Davos plot to favour their goyim croneys and wipe out the little man just trying to scratch a living”.

Earlier, top BBC Truth-blender Jon Snowpel had put it to Claus that this was all for the greater good, given the dangers of being exposed to the new virus strain, Covid1922 Committee.

The bearded one snorted.

“You’ll be saying next that you believe in me,” he replied, “So why don’ you godahell and badger a tooth-fairy….oiveh, such a schlemiel”.

Later, infamous Porg and invincible virus Tsar Manflu Halfcock commented, “I must stress and be clear when I say with all sincerity that Mr Claus is not now and never has been a government employee and tends to hang around kids a lot and ask them if they ever saw a grown man naked.”

Born-Again transhuman cross-dresser Doris de Piffle Jobsdone added, “I have it on the highest authority from Porton Down that this man is a Putin agent suspected by Sir Mark Pigswill of infecting chimneys far and wide last Christmas, having developed Covidochok in Wuhan with the help of Moyshe Dung and the Elders of Psyop plus several rogue elves and we shall fight on the beaches and in the streets but not in the territorial waters”.

The thousand days of Lockdown

Klaus Schwab von Davos announced this morning that the twelve days of Christmas will be the first thing to go in the Great Reset, currently scheduled to take place when the Dow hits 31,000. But also (see Telegraph headline above) there’s been a disturbing loss of blood by the New Mutant.

As government advisers squabbled as to whether the now inevitable New Year terror-measures represent Tier 6.3 or Lockdown 5, Sir Patrick Bank-Vallance the chief scientific adviser pinned down the problem by saying “we’ve got new mutant cases everywhere, the numbers look awful and the new variant continues to bleed across the country”.

Slog reporters on the ground, however, reported an absence of sanguine materials from the landscape, and yet again the statistics available provide the sort of support for Saint Patrick’s Bray that feels not so much lukewarm as below zero:

In order to keep tedium to a minimum, the chart above shows (1) that the Second Wave death rate is still miles below the First Wave (2) Mutant Ninja Covid or not, the blue arrow makes it clear that the death rate has fallen further and at a steeper rate since November.

In short, the virus’s virility is fading, but the economy is collapsing, and a national clampdown is decribed as “very much on the cards” in January, according to Whitehall.

Speaking on the BBC this morning, Jeremy Hunt-Balls said, “I’d like to make it clear that despite this appalling rise in Covid cases on Halfcock’s watch and may he die slowly and painfully so they can give the Health brief back to me, there will be no backsliding on Brexit even though the UK economy is now a smouldering ruin and obviously incapable of existing without enormous help and subsequent punishment from our close and beloved allies in Brussels”.

John Ward occasionally becomes bored stupid by 21st century events, and writing endlessly about Covid19 and Brexit in a serious vein. Plus he decided two days ago that Christmas will – come Muswell Hill or Matt Hancock – not be cancelled. Some of you, I know, think my idea of parody and satire doesn’t push all the buttons, but I have to tell you – it works for me.