For most right-headed people in Britain, UK Secretary of State for Health Matthew John David Hancock is anything from a risibly jumped-up jerk to the epitome of keen incompetence. Leaks from Dominic Cummings allege that our Prime Minister thinks Matt is “fucking useless”. But while poking fun at Mad Matt is useful, this reptile is no laughing matter.
Writing out Halfcock’s name in full there, I’m reminded of the legendary UK sitcom starring Ronnie Barker – Porridge – in which the old lag Fletcher survives his five-year stretch by using every kind of hilarious subterfuge. Fans of the show will understand if I remake the opening titles’ judicial voice doing the sentencing, with reference to the Health Secretary:
“Matthew John David Hancock, you are a habitually mendacious, photo-opp addicted, virtue-signalling abuser of public funds, treating all your criminal behaviour in a casual fashion without regard for the social, cultural and fiscal damage you do. You will go to prison for a period of not less than five years”
As this malodorous little man stands as much chance of going to prison as I do of getting on the next plane to Australia, it may seem at first sight that mordant satire at his expense is the only option open to me. So that’s where I propose to begin. That is, commence what I genuinely hope will be the first episode in a Slog double-header that, at the very least, contributes to his richly deserved downfall…..and preferably to a broader unerstanding of what’s really going on in the murky clouds far above the law.
An opportunist in pictures
Just 26% of the UK population have a positive opinion of Matt Hancock. 46% hold a negative opinion about him. 22% are neutral on the subject. 6% of respondents vomited. So PHE has announced a track and trace emergency to seek out the 6% and give them the new Sanilav vaccine Nopuke mandatorially.
Thrilled to be told of a new deadly McEpsilon treble hybrid tartan fungus ginger Covid mutant at large in Scotland, Mad Matt models the new body mask specially designed by Prabal Gurung. Horrifically, the new variant targets footballers, causing them to play like complete tossers. The variant was discovered last night following the 0-0 draw with England.
(Top to Bottom) Alerted by the sound of police sirens at the end of Downing Street, Horsey Harrier Hancock makes a dash for freedom on his favourite nag Genomica before eventually being apprehended by Covid Marshals in Penge. He was questioned at length about his involvement in the Oxford Atrazeneca trials but allegedly claimed to be unfit to plead, run a ministry or find his arse in the dark. Police officers charged him with mounting a horse in public, running a red light on Streatham High Road and overuse of the whip.
They did not, however, bother to question him about his close ties to the horse-racing community, and how that industry oddly enough was almost the first to be back in action after the easing of lockdown restrictions. Or about the fact that he just happens to be the MP for Newmarket – pretty much the UK capital of horse racing. Or why exactly Tory peer Dido Harding, the government’s Covid-19 Test & Trace Tsar, is also on the board of the Jockey Club.
Perhaps in turn they don’t know that Rose Paterson, the wife of senior backbench MP Owen Paterson, is also chair of Aintree racecourse…which is sponsored by Randox Health, the diagnostics company advised by um, Owen Paterson that was given a £133 million (€155m) contract to produce testing kits – without any other firms being given the opportunity to bid for the work.
Some of you may have noted that the testing kits have been deemed by most medical cognoscenti to be unfit for purpose.
Probably Mr Plod doesn’t scan the entries in the Commons Register of Members’ Interests; for were he to do so, PC Dixon would surely see that Halfcock received £68,000 in donations from Jockey Club bigwigs in the last twelve months.
Could it be that there is another even more dark and grubby side to Chancer Hancock than the one we tend to make fun of?
Dear Reader, all I can tell you is that – while we have barely scratched the thin skin of the Secretary of State for Health – others most certainly have….and these “handlers” stretch way beyond the borders of one virus in one country. Until recently I was inclined to dismiss Manflu Halfcock as an oily rag. Don’t miss the revelations coming your way at The Slog: they tend to suggest I was wrong.