This brief post is aimed at everyone who is either (a) under six years old or (b) in possession of a sense of humour or (c) got in the wrong queue when the shit v sugar equipment was being handed out or (d) was a having a brain-addling Gap Year when the USSR collapsed and thus still thinks Mr Gorbachev is in charge in Moscow. For everyone else, it will I hope reassure all readers that it isn’t just you – rather, it’s the very bright, smug professional Blairite idiots who can’t tell ridiculous spin from Noddy’s Little Red Car.

There now follows a “news” bulletin which may or may not be cynical propaganda, and might even be the weather forecast for shipping.

There was a Hate Rally in the House of Commons yesterday, orchestrated by the famous TV actor Volodomyr Zelenskyy, in which he told British MPs that he would fight on to the last $700,000 Florida beach mansion for the cause of democracy in the face of wicked invaders who kill Ukrainian children for fun.

Holding a cigar and a glass of Naputeon brandy while sporting a polka dot bow tie, two-yys told the august gathering that his government would never give up the struggle until such time as somebody offered them vast piles of spondoolicks, at which point they would all leg it to Lake Garda à toute vitesse. The response from the House was a standing ovation, especially from SNP members who know a good trougher when they see one. The response from out of work squaddies was equally immediate and decisive:

They might have gone to fight for Saint Volod, or they may have gone to Germany in order to perform at the infamous Hamburg nightspot Nuklearer grüner Existenzialismus Baby-Rock under their tribute-band identity, Four Squaddy–Waddy. Nobody’s quite sure. President Putin was reported by CNN as ” ashen faced and scuttling off to his luxurious Dacha just like the cowardy-custard he is so yah-boo sucks and he did so say fact checkers”.

In a daring move, UK Transport Secretary Grant Schnapps revoked the flight permit of a private oligarch jet after it landed at Farnborough Airport in Hampshire “to allow government officials to establish its links to Eugene Shvidler, the billionaire oil businessman” who it is thought may be a close friend of Roman Abramovich. Or not. Chief Inspector Bijou Sweetie from Special Branch told newsmen this could well be a case of catching A Shvidler on the Hoof. Possibly.

On the spot in the thick of it at ground level, Ukrainian official Yaroslav Moskalenko said that the shelling made it impossible to evacuate the bodies of 12 patients from a psychiatric hospital there. They may or may not have died from the shelling. They may have died from the sheer joy of being vaccinated against Covid19 with old graphene nano-bits from Polish Mig-29 jets that the Americans may use, but probably won’t.

Over at The Times, A severe cold snap may stall Russian advances further, analysts believe, with troops forced either to abandon their vehicles or sit in “40-tonne iron freezers”. Experts added that this may make the invasion harder for the Russians’, although they could shed no light on why the Mad Russian Bear’s tank divisions were dragging 40-ton freezers behind them in the first place.

In fact, the only person in no doubt at all about what the Russians are doing is Saint Volod’s Missus, Olena Zelenska. She asserts as follows:

“Despite assurances from Kremlin-backed propaganda outlets, who call this a ‘special operation’ – it is, in fact, the mass murder of Ukrainian civilians….the most terrifying and devastating element in this invasion is the child casualties. Eight-year-old Alice who died on the streets of Okhtyrka while her grandfather tried to protect her. Or Polina from Kyiv, who died in the shelling with her parents. 14-year-old Arseniy was hit in the head by wreckage, and could not be saved because an ambulance could not get to him on time because of intense fires. When Russia says that it is ‘not waging war against civilians,’ I call out the names of these murdered children first.”

So three random children in a country of 40 million is now mass murder. Olena missed her way…she should’ve joined a nice global Pharma testing lab as head of PR.

Hint: Olena Zelenska is a movie scriptwriter. She writes fiction for a living.

*IABATO – It’s All Bollocks And That’s Official