Rishi Sunak has vowed to bring back the death penalty for speeding, shoot every member of Stonewall he can find, ban the hugging of war criminals, cut immigration by 99.3%, stop the G7 rhetoric against China, abolish every last iota of EU legislation still on the Statutes – but above all, do nothing. Defending Sunak, Grant Shapps said “despite having to put up with things like the pandemic, the war in Ukraine and all the costs attached to it, the Party is actually buzzing with ideas, but it’s unfair to expect them to be any good”.
Mr Shapps, who is also Minister for Energy and Net Zero, went on to say that, in his own Ministry, scientists were now very close to achieving zero electricity usage.
“As from October 1st,” he promised, “all motor vehicles will be converted to change from running on electricity to consuming eccentricity, which as you know is a proud British tradition as well as having no carbon footprint, being devoid of ozone layer holes and rain forest neutral.I myself test drove such a car last week and I’m sure my hair will settle down again quite soon”.
Before becoming an MP, Mr Shapps (using his literary pseudonym Aldous Huskster) sold a software product online that promised to make “lots of wonga” for poor families, but was in fact Glass’s Guide to Threewheelers. His Eccentric Car the Sheeplescheise is expected to retail at around £137,602.55 (Engine not included)
And in a shock development over the weekend, Devil Spawn Donald Trump learned that the Spanish Inquisition has been called in to prosecute the Free and Fair Election-denier on 41 new charges of sparrow strangling, cussing, plotting with Beelzebub to rule the Metaverse, parking in No Stop zones and going to the Yankee stadium with children as young as five years old.
Staying with Sports, World Footballing Body and top rival to the WHO in the brown envelope league FIFA has finally decided to get tough with players who take the dive and feign the pain in order to get awarded penalties/opposing defenders sent off/entertain the crowd when the play becomes more than usually boring.
As from next season, no club or international team will be allowed to employ professionals without certificated evidence of proficiency from RADA, The Actors’ Studio, the French Academy of Performing Arts or other widely recognised courses in the practice of Thespianism. Top FIFA official Michel Platitude commented, “The antics of players are neither corny old ham nor convincing enough to entertain the fans or bamboozle referees. Here at FIFA we believe in maintaining the highest possible standards of falsehood”. Platitude’s cellmate Sluice Bladder added, “We are dedicated to our mission of bringing soccer to the Third World, fleecing its leaders and guaranteeing the hatred level reserved for referees that has always been a central part of The Beautiful Game”.
Expert game-play pundits at Sky Television were quick to see major changes in behaviour as a result of the new rule. Kane Rooney commented: “The fundamental tragicomic irony of Shakespearean romance has never really been tried in football, but here I fancy is a golden opportunity to imbue the game with more than just “Et Tu Bruté?” Employing an equal level of profundity, Gobby Vinegar told The Slog today in an exclusive overview, “We must embrace the diving and screaming because such epitomises the Occam’s razor at the heart of human experience, and we must welcome all illegal footballers to our Sceptred Isle because they are fellow human beings”.
Our owner, editor and Gambian correspondent at large John Ward stepped out of his pan-Galactic two-dimensional Time travelling paper clip yesterday to investigate the mystery that lies behind 25,000 excess deaths a week. This is what he found:
*It is normal within the profession of statistics for a lot of people to die unexpectedly as a result of eating far too much red meat. This is why the military wing of the WHO at Davos recommends switching to a more balanced diet of worms, spiders, palm tree bark, pineapple thorns and glass. This not only removes the likelihood of farty cows destroying the ozone layer and the need to recycle glass, it also ends the mystery of why the patient died, while at the same time driving the depopulation forward and thus giving Bill Gatepstein a whopping great stiffy.
*There now seems little doubt that global warming has upscaled to global scorchers, and in this context, senior experts in the NHS climate space have narrowed the main effect down to JIEPS – Jumping Into Empty Pools Syndrome. “Without a second thought for ‘is safety,” said Mrs Flora Bundah of Epping-on-Sea, “My Ethelred leapt into our empty pool, made a terrible mess, ‘e did…I ‘ad ter get that Dyno Rod in”.
*Senior Government Health boffin Rishi McQuitty suggests that, following three years of intensive investigation and surveillance, the surplus deaths were a side effect of following science too much. “Ho Yes, that there Cy Ense, e’s a slimy toad han’ no mistake,” confirmed Special Branch Chief Surveillance Admiral Duggie Zonegrave, “We wuz close to haprendin’ ‘im twenty four farsand nane ‘undred an’ hatey times, but he allus gav huzz the slip hon account orv our hexpert marksmen missed ‘im han potted a hinnocent baystandah ‘oo wuz probbly hup to no good hennyway”.
*But the final (and most convincing) word must go to Formula 1 Home Secretary Phyooow Dangerman who told roving Slog correspondent Liz Swindler, “I can assure you that we’ve had our best minds at the Yard working round the clock on this, and we are in no doubt that these 25,000 unfortunate souls died of death. The clues – not breathing, getting a tad smelly and no discernible heartbeat – are all present. Death is the standard abbreviation we top spooks use – Desperate Explanation All Total Hokum – in cases such as these, now don’t ask me any more questions or I may have to run you darn the Nick for a bit of corporal punishment”.
And so there we have it.