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Death is usually serious, and often funny

This morning, I spotted a piece at Der Spiegel’s website. It proves yet again that almost anything can be funny.

‘For two years, the Taliban terrorised the beautiful Swat Valley in northern Pakistan. Now that Islamabad has regained control, it is trying to resocialise those who supported the Islamist radicals. In “deradicalisation” courses, they learn how they can be good Muslims without killing non-believers.’

It  was the last few words that corpsed me – if you’ll pardon the expression: ‘You too can be a good Muslim without blowing up the Infidel’. Call me wacky, but I’d have thought if you’re a good Muslim you’d know that already. It was just the vision in my mind’s eye of how the lesson might go as the first deradicalees filed into the classroom. On the blackboard is that day’s maxim: ‘The infidel is a worthless worm, but even worms deserve to live’. This sets off a debate.

Teacher: Abdul, what are you thinking about this maxim?

Abdul: ALL UNBELIEVERS MUST DIE BY MY HAND AND THUS SHALL I HAVE 77 VIRGINS IN HEAVEN.

T: Well Abdul, it’s a point of  view, but…

A: IS NOT POINT OF VIEW FILTHY WESTERN SYMPATHISING REVISIONIST, IS WILL OF ALLAH.

T: I see. And where are you learning such things Abdul?

A: NORTH TOTTENHAM PEACELOVING ISLAMIC FELLOWSHIP…

T: There really is no need to shout…

A: ALWAYS SHOUT WITH POPEYES OTHERWISE NOT GET ON 6 O’CLOCK NEWS. NEED TO WAVE PLACARDS ABOUT BEHEADING AND DEMOCRACY IS SHIT AND ALL…

T: Abdul….

A: DO NOT INTERRUPT, YOU TALK LIKE WEAK LITTLE GIRL SO DO NOT INTERRUPT ALL-KNOWING MALE WITH FRUIT OF LIFE TO HAVE ELEVEN CHILDREN AT LEAST ALLAH BE PRAISED!

You could see how the deradicalising of these guys could be something of a challenge. The first problem would be where to house the lessons, as daily fusillades of rifle-fire into the air can play the very devil with even the most sound roof.

Then of course there’d be the tricky issue of behavioural problems in class. The deradicalising authorities would have serious recruitment difficulties once teacher-garrotting began in earnest, or three schools had been destroyed by suicide-bomber pupils. There is also an inherent risk in any class leader asking what the bulge is under Aqbar Patel’s shirt.

The answer would probably be to import some specialist help, and if so, the Pakistani authorities need look no further than the radical North London mothers’ group who today insisted that the Conservative Government’s local authority cuts would lead to children on their way to school running under buses because the lollipop men had been fired by the Labour Council forced into such things by wicked etc etc etc.

I was especially drawn to the Mrs Agitprop who announced to an ever-present roving BBC camera crew that, as a result of heartless Tory policies, there would be “some very serious fatalities before too long”. Most of us assume that fatality is rarely a laughing matter, but clearly this woman thought there must be a hierarchy of death. In which case, I’d venture to suggest she’s never spent much time in a combat zone. Has any reader, for example, ever heard the following kind of news bulletin?

“The Fifth Lancashire artillery lancers suffered some light fatalities during a skirmish with deradicalising Islamists this afternoon. First reports suggest that the British artillery also incurred some amusing injuries, after what military observers described as laughably pointless kamikaze assaults by insurgents obviously hellbent on inflicting deadly dull fatalities”.

But as ever, the upside for Islamists is that no matter how grave their fatalities are, one thing they clearly have is genetic fecundity. The BBCNews website tonight posted a fascinating piece demonstrating how Osama Bin Laden had 50 siblings, 5 wives and 20 children. This does kind of demonstrate the futility of bumping off old has-been radicals, as such activities automatically irritate quite a lot of rellies.

Be that as it may, with only 5 wives in this world and 77 eager virgins waiting in the next, it’s gradually becoming clear to me why so many of these folks are in a hurry to die. My only concern is whether the authorities in Heaven have really thought this through. At his current rate of fertility, OBL is going to have 302 celestial offspring up there relatively soon –  all of them angry with the infidel for killing their old man. It’s enough to put a chap off reforming: all told, in fact, Hell is looking increasingly attractive.