These Ezoners, they’re ‘avin’ a larf, right?

Rough diamond Angie serves another regular

Like a third-rate soap opera, the EU lumbers along: the acting is poor, the continuity terrible, the script unbelievable, and of course – as with any soap – nothing is ever resolved. Instead of Eastenders, this is Ezoners.

Still running the Ezone’s biggest pub The Deutschland Uber Alles is hard-bitten barmaid Angie Merkel. She’s not sure whose side local lothario Mario Draghi (owner of Ezone’s bistro La Trattoria d’Euro) might be on – of late he’s been running regular cheap-drink Happy Hours to tempt away her regulars – but together they plot to face off local hoodlums The Dallaran Hedgie Gang, who are still charging a number of local stallholders protection money. Greek kebab stall proprietor Vinny ‘Fats’ Zelos is in hospital again, the victim of a hit-and-run attack on his oil supplies by the Ezone Council, but in his absence Angie and Mario have told the Dallorans to sling their ‘ook.

Local moneylender Frufru Lagarde says the stallholders have had a whip-round, but Big Charlie Dalloran is threatening to get all unnecessary unless they pay more. Frufru addresses the locals in Angie’s own pub – liberteee –  and says Angie, Slick Narcozy and Dave Camerlot should stump up some more before someone gets ‘urt. But down the road in his posh nightclub The Leveson Lounge, Dave and his partner ‘Draper’ Osborne plan to do a moonlight before the rent goes up next year. The Leveson is merely a front for Camerlot’s hackgate-laundering scam, but there are threats from rival gangster Slick Narcozy, whose local Farmers’ Market the Credit Agricole is also under pressure from Big Charlie’s Hedgy heavies. Narco said in the last episode that Dave was like well givin’ ‘im grief an’ ‘e should watch ‘is mouth or else. So things are tense…and it’s time for the next episode.

Last week, Fats Venizelos said he wanted the brown-paper business all wrapped up by Friday, but now Angie has changed her tune and gone and said there is no deadline, I mean what is she like? Italian deli stallholder Mario Monti says sod that missus, we need the spondulicks nah right on account of Charlie’s boys are keen to rearrange my face next. Owner of the local travel bureau Que Viva Espagna Mariano Rajoy is of a similar mind, as nobody wants his holidays and Charlie is fretnin’ to torch ‘is place.

But to everyone’s amazement, Angie, Mario, Slick and the Ezone Council tell Kebab man Vinny Zelos to pull ‘is finger art and come to a deal wiv Charlie. The episode ends with Vinny’s dad Papa Demos and his new mistress Frufru Lagarde givin’ all of ’em a right talkin’ to in the Deutschland, sayin’ that if only they wouldn’t stick their oar in all the bleedin’ time we wunt be in this mess.

Next week: Draper tells Frufru where she can stick ‘er fund, and a house burns down somewhere.