Iranian President Badmood Ahmadinejad (left) announced yesterday that he would soon be revealing a new completely non-aggressive breakthrough in the country’s peace-loving nuclear programme – to the joy of pacifist multitudes who chanted “Death to Israel”, “Death to America”, and “Long Live the death-inducing peaceful development of entirely defensive nuclear street lights for Tehran, Alla aqba!”

Speaking at celebrations to commemorate the 33rd anniversary of the Islamic revolution that toppled the U.S.-backed Shah and then peacefully kidnapped 150 American hostages, Mr I’madinnerjacket announced temperately that “In the coming days the world will witness Iran’s announcement of its very important and very major achievements in converting nuclear power into virgins, earthquakes, descending fire-chariots and only gently applied teensy little deaths to all infidels everywhere”.

But Revolutionary Guards commander Mohammad Shirdel warned that if Iran was not allowed utterly peacefully to develop entirely humanitarian lighting for Tehran “We will turn the Zionist Israel to dust, by very peacefully indeed using Halal butchers and thousands of our friendly missiles to target Israel and the 40 bases of America in the region which will be humanely vapourised for all eternity”.

His Holiness Lord Ahsmadinnitclear added, “We want to negotiate. That is fine with us, we have been always ready to hold talks in the framework of justice and mutual respect, but we will not withdraw even one iota from our path. That is the nature of entirely ecumenical and fraternity-pursuing Iran’s take on negotiation: we propose full and open negotiations about how to stop us, but reserve the right not to stop no matter what. How much more flexible could we be?”

And this morning, Iranian Foreign Minister Ali Akbar Salehi moderately remarked that the country will never cede  to peaceful  international pressure peacefully. “Threat of a military strike against the country empty,” he said, “So before anyone make any, they should be reminded that their sabre-rattling paper-tiger aggression is meeting with firmly peaceful nuclear street-lighting response, and that Iran already make preparations for worst scenario by developing  nuclear Domesday thingies for purely defensive purposes that do not represent weaponry in any shape or form because of course Iranian people totally law-abiding, pacifist nation fully supporting its government ever since we shoot all people not fully supporting government two years ago, Allah aqba! But world will soon learn of Iranian genius turning Israel to dusty nuclear pancake in completely negotiated manner recognising all conventions up to but not including Geneva.”

European Union foreign ministers agreed on January 23rd last to ban Iranian oil imports, and freeze the assets of Iran’s central bank. This presents Turkish Prime Minister Recipe Getagun with something of a dilemma, as he is Iran’s best friend on Earth, but also a NATO member who is keen to join the, um, European Union. His keenness is indeed but one measure of his madness, but as David Cameron is keen for us all to see him as a reasonable and consensus-minded sort of chap, The Slog is left wondering this morning whether white powder (or something more left-cerebral) should be guiding Britain’s foreign policy in the region.

This former hostage press release appears following a quid pro quo agreement to release 4,391 Iranian terrorist press releases