Dr Conan Fuller-Bollix


From SarkasticBarclay comes this question:

Doctor, can you just explain for the thickies why QE is profitable?

It will be my pleasure, SarkasticBarclay. You see, if I Mervyn take you taxpayer for a long walk up a short pier, divide the currency by 137.55% and then multiply by minus 41, hey Peston, we have money left over for a tax cut, where:

Cut = (1+n) on a Tuesday Ξ when £ x 83 – [∏ +sky] = £80bn

Additionally, it is very important to take into account the value of 0 + or – the meaning of nought, where the fockorl norm is contant. Thus:

(Zirp x 0) + ∞ = infinity ÷ ↔ nowt x £3 an hour

Thus we can see from this that pensioners will be better off when the country is skint.

And ovecleggpudding from Mincington-on-Sick asks:

How will these NHS hit-squads work in practice?

For goodness sake, I would’ve thought the name says it all: that fine investigative security company G4S will storm in, hit lots of enlisted men who served in Iraq, and then accuse the seven disgraceful NHS Trusts of overspending on dressings. This will take the form of a dressings down, a crack-down, and then recommend that all patients should wear a dressing gown at all time.

Moremarmaladenow from Dundee wants to know:

Should Louise Mensch get a third runway?

Opinions vary about this. Nadine Doris says she should have her school runway taken away, but she’s away with the fairies and anyway, The Blessed Saint Louise has already run away, so the matter can be considered sub-judasy.

I shall miss her bold stances, unaffected speeches, selfless devotion to media standards, and imaginary email friends. But I fancy her pulp prose will, in the end, be the most fitting legacy of her public life before she legged it without warning to pastures new.

And finally, Baglady Topnutter wonders:

Should Signor Dragladi give Catatonia the money or what?

This is indeed the burning question of the hour. I think on the whole he should leave the Catalonia, and stick to budgies in future: they eat very little, make hardly any mess, and can be trained to say “No, I do not need a bailout” with very little effort.

In extremis, he should also leave Barc alone, and switch to supporting Real Madrid. Personally, I’d rather have a Gin and tonic than be catatonic, but that’s neither here nor there.