The Sunday Splash

Ahergahergahergagerga…now then now then now then guys n gals it’s Jimmy Savile yet again with an’ another terrific edition of Crop of the Gropes ahegaahergaherga….

It’s a very light news day today, which leaves the Sundays free yet again to slobber all over the defrocked, unsainted, and ex-headstoned Sir James Savile OBE. This won’t be a popular view I know, but the coverage is beginning to disgust me even more than the hypocrisy (‘Esther Rantzen hands over dossier on top Beeb perverts’) and almost as much the original crimes. Savile – it seems highly likely – was a pyscho perv, and now he’s dead. That’s it. Now let’s move on. Like, maybe, find some of the hundreds of live ones still left?

But no. Top of the Cops as always is the Murdoch axis of peeping toms, which has a picture of Freddie Starr in 1974 doing an impression of Sir Jimmy. This is presented as prima facie evidence that later in the show, Starr allegedly groped a 14 year old girl. In the marginally more serious Sunday Times, meanwhile, the main headline growls ‘Savile trail leads to BBC boss’s office’, claiming that infamous arm-biter Mark Thompson was alerted several times to Savile’s Travels around the bodies of the young and innocent. No I wasn’t actually (says Thompson) but – covering all the bases – Roop’s vendetta continues on the inside pages with ‘Patten is fiddling while the BBC burns’. What, kiddy-fiddling you mean, fnar fnar?

People need to take a break from gorging on this story, and wake up to the utterly undeserved second chance it is giving to Newscorp, in its long-running bid to bribe, cajole and threaten its way into replacing the BBC. I sense that Murdoch won’t let go re this one, which is why The Slog is giving serious consideration over the next few days to running a Find the Sky Paedo competition. Everyone knows it’s one of three blokes regularly onscreen. So beware, o Digger Slimeball: We are Watching You. Just like your lawyers are reading this.

And so we say f**k off to Murdochania, and hello once again to the long-running Sarklays of Bark, the continuing sitcom about two fat twins who pay no tax, instead choosing to pay as many pipers as possible. It truly is a terrible edition this morning. There is, it headlines, a ‘Fight to save a third of Britain’s trees from killer fungus’ (which almost all the other papers have too), while  ‘Claims emerge Alps murder victim may have had access to part of Saddam Hussein’s fortune’ (also near-ubiquitous along the Street of Blame), and ‘Street lights turned off in their thousands to meet carbon emission targets’ is almost identical to the line in two other titles.

Over at The Observer meanwhile, Forest Ash disease takes deadly hold – yes, and it shows – while Max Clifford exclusively reveals that ‘celebrities are frightened about these paedophile revelations’. Mr Clifford does of course have the exclusive UK franchise rights to Keep Calm and Pay me Money, so he would say that. If only he were a paedophile, my cup would run over and spill everywhere….hopefully on this inflated, but initially enticing, piece of nonsense from the Guardian Group’s Sunday fare:

Jimmy Savile: BBC chief accused of misleading MPs

Blimey, you mean Jimmy Savile has come back as a hack and reported that Chris Patten lied to a Parliamentary enquiry? Er…no: ‘David Jordan told committee he had issued inaccurate statements concerning investigation’. David Who? And at the end of para three, ‘….he did so before he had been told about the true nature of the programme by its producer, Meirion Jones.’

Right. So a bloke we’ve never heard of told an enquiry what he knew. Bugger me. Sorry, perhaps that’s an unwise request to make these days…at least, not until Britain’s press media have got to the bottom of things. Sorry, sorry. What I mean is, let’s not to come to…sorry, sorry. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarg.

Meawhile, in the real world where people die, there is only scant coverage of potentially one of the worst storms in US  history careering inexorably towards the north-eastern seaboard.

This is the little blighter on the left of your screen here, about to head north from the Bahamas. You wouldn’t know to look at it, but the so-called ‘Behemoth’ storm has had a sex-change, from Irene to Sandy. If it turns a little limp-wristed in the end, perhaps they’ll change the name again to Jules. Apologies to all foreign readers and young persons for that neolithic reference to the antics on Round the Horne during 1968.

Limp is, however, what Sandy is unlikely to be. But fear not America, because the Times of India reports that ‘President Obama is monitoring the storm’. This is more than you can say for the Sunday Express, which doesn’t mention the barnstorming behemoth anywhere, but does have no fewer than six separate Jimmy Savile shagged my hamster stories. It’s lead proclaims that ‘THE BBC was under ­pressure last night to increase the cash given to sex-abuse charities by Children In Need after Jimmy Savile’s crimes sparked myriad calls from victims.’ For what it’s worth, I rang the Beeb and they claim not to know WTF the story is on about. Their version is supported by the fact that thus far 0 (as in zero, no) readers have bothered to Have Their Say at the piece.

There is one piece of genuine news this morning, and as often happens these days, it’s in the Independent on Sunday. It is, of course, about Hackgate.

It seems that worried Trinity Mirror investors have produced a coruscating dossier accusing six hacks of, er, hacking – and that the practice was ‘on a “systematic” scale inside the company’s national titles’. The report says journalists on the Daily Mirror and People newspapers regularly accessed private mobile phone voicemails to obtain major stories, but the thing that makes this a really good story is the word ‘systematic’.

A few weeks back I posted briefly about the tricky situation faced by Uncle Rupert and his depraved Elves, in that Newscorp’s liability insurers have fired a shot across Murdoch’s bows, which is having an adverse effect on Murdoch’s bowels. The Sun headline is this: ‘Insurance giant warns Roop that proof of systematic hacking will nullify insurance policy’.

It’s great when two Evil Powers meet, innit? We all hate insurance companies and Newscorp, so one bombing the other is like a civil war where your hopes of mutually assured destruction at last stand a chance of being realised in full. But leaving that consideration aside, this is top-notch journalism from the IoS: the sting is in this tailpiece: ‘After being notified that they featured in the private dossier, the journalists said that if any of them are charged, they plan to cite “common practice” as their defence.’

So the insurers would drop the same bomb on Trinity. And that would probably bankrupt the Mirror Group. Major hat-tip here to reporter Margareta Pagano. Nice to see a Romping Arse feature shot in the piece, too: the net is closing, Piers old top: be very afraid.