Maria Miller found alive following Boris Johnson’s bid to ban hounding as Treasury boosts gdp, Max Cliffford cleared of drinking Fairy Liquid, Ukraine vows to federalise Murdoch, and Obama’s personal hygiene thrown into question

Maria Miller is turning into the political equivalent of Malaysian Flight MH370. There is a very loud black box pinger called the British population saying that she’s at the bottom of the ocean and wouldn’t it be nice if she stayed there, but as ever David Cameron sees his role as the defence of the indefensible. Ms Miller is in the running alongside Flight MH370 as being the most pointlessly long-running story of 2014 so far. But she is a cheat, a bully, a defamer and a liar, and so she must go. Given her record with the press, putting her in charge of regulating it was on a par with putting dear Ezak in charge of the Health Service.

The other Conservative renowned for his persistent defences of underdogs such as Rupert Murdoch, Darius Guppy, Tim Yeo, Bob Diamond and the Chinese politburo is of course Boris Johnson, so few will be surprised that he has waded into Miller Time to declare that the lady in question is being “hounded” by the media over stealing public money, using power to censor news reporters, and falsely accusing accused citizens in a psychopathic manner. I cannot wait for the moment when BoJo has to leap to his own defence on charges of perverting justice, taking secret backing finance from media tycoons, covering up for Leon Brittan and consorting in a horizontally fluids-sharing manner with senior Newscorpers.

Barclays, meanwhile, has narrowly avoided having to plead guilty to something by buying off the care-home operator who sued them over Libor fraud. While I understand Michael Fallon is hugely relieved, I have little hope that when I am finally brought to Justice for crop-spraying Wall Street with anthrax, buying off the Goldman Sachs board is likely to be a possibility. “We must have justice for each according to his means,” said Tory MP for Upper Choirboy Sir Tattleby Yew-Scrood.

In a last-ditch attempt to continue confusing everyone about the flatlining UK economy, the Treasury has asked the National Stats Office (ONS) to switch its emphasis from measuring gdp to measuring “economic wellbeing”. One can relate to that: I too have decided to inform Lloyds Bank and Credit Agricole that henceforth I shall be giving them far more information about the enjoyment I’m getting out of spending money on assets at the minute, and considerably less about the nature of where my money is. In the light of Greece, Cyprus, the Coop Bank and other cutting-edge improvements in financial services, this seems only prudent.

A friend called as a witness for the defence of Charlie Brooks told the Bailey yesterday that Becky Redtop’s hubby was “capable of being completely daft”, and once drank a bottle of Fairy Liquid to try to cure a hangover. If this is the best Mr Brooks can come up with as a character reference, one wonders what the prosecution is about to tell us. I suppose it might be something like “He once chucked a laptop into a skip to try and pervert the course of justice”. For those who are awake by the way, this trial is already five weeks overdue in reaching a verdict; the delay is very convenient for many people, especially the flame-haired slapper, as she can continue collecting African children just in case the supply of her character witnesses runs out. The list is currently rumoured to include Boris Johnson, Ross Kemp, Piers Morgan and the entire Wapping Rugger XV.

A different tenor of defence was on display at the Max Clifford trial, where former Feather-Bird Pauline Quirke turned up to tell those in Court that (as many people have told me over time) Clifford would no more sexually abuse a woman, teenager or child than I would support the idea of a knighthood for Jeremy Frunt-Bottomley. Also lining up to say the same thing was Sky anchor Clare Tomlinson. I’m told that Mark Willypull-Tomtit took copious notes throughout all this, and remains the one person in Court who thinks there’s a case to answer against Clifford. I still find myself baffled by WTF Plod thinks he’s doing persevering with these feebly-thrown together showtrials. As to what MWT is at, anyone with a functioning brain has known that for some time.

Moscow “seems to be making moves to federalise Ukraine” proclaimed Fox News yesterday, but the disapproving tone of Radio Murdoch is somewhat inappropriate given that this is what a massive majority of Ukrainians now want: to have more local control but be neither Eunatic nor Bear. The Ukraine marks three in a row for the Hague Foreign Office debacles since 2010, the previous two having involved Syria’s Assad “atrocities” and the Turkey/NATO/Crete energy-sharing initiative.

I continue to wonder what it is that the US State Department has on the UK Establishment, but one has to include the very real possibility of serious blackmail being involved. Given the presence, since 1997, of people like Gordon Brown, “Lord” Mandelson, Prince Andrew, George Osborne, and William Hague in the mix, the possibilities appear endless. On the other hand, I have just seen a tweet from the US President signed ‘BO’. Everyone has their achilles heel.