Yes, today is THE BIG ONE….the 23rd FA Cup Final replay between Brussels Arseholes and Greek Villa.

In the first 22 matches, the score has been consistently 0-0, so most pundits are expecting another hard-fought, tight and unbelievably boring game today.

Superstar and doyen of the gossip magazines Yanis Varafootis is without doubt the danger man for Villa, a player of great style and master of the reverse-play back-pass into his own half. Recently he has been substituted during games, but he is expected to start today.

But all eyes will be on midfield supremo and captain Alexis Slippass, a man who has built the Villa side from scratch. And while they might be the underdogs in this decider, Alexis’s ability to slip passes through the Left channels and bind a disparate team together is legendary, some say even illusory.

Out of favour with the Villa management is centre-half Van ‘Fats’ Veryjealous. He has spent almost the entire season on the bench, but sacked manager Ant Smarmarse banned Veryjealous aftre he broke the bench five times in six outings.

For much of this season, Greek Villa have been living up to their nickname ‘the Villains’, but their opponents today are not for nothing known as the Arse: in the 22 previous contests, commentators have noted questionable tactics from wiry Dutch defender Jellybone Dribblebum: this central defender’s propensity to talk out of his arse has confused more than one Villa attacker, and attracted charges of Ungentlemanly Conduct.

Much fancied to win the mind games of the Final is Arseholes manager Wolfpack Gargoyle, a lifelong Arse who has formed a love-hate relationship with star player Maradonna Dragonfly….whom he describes as “My banker card when it comes to demolishing the Villa”. But without question, the player most feared by the Villains is German-born Brussels goalkeeper Jelly ‘the Fridge’ Merciless, the only keeper in modern soccer who stretches from one goalpost to another.

Yes, it looks like this tie could go on forever, and it very probably will.