The Twattering Classes

mesnip19916 Banks are leaving, banks are staying, migrants are going, migrants are coming, ties will be hurt, ties will be safe, chocolates are inclusive, chocolates are exclusive, Google is discreet, Google is a blabbermouth. Take your pick of the choice of reality available in the today’s TTC Party Bag

This opener proves without any shadow of remaining doubt that Remaindeers never tell fibs about Brexit and the “effects” of not remaining.

The Mail ran an ‘article’ earlier this week designed to suggest that every major foreign bank would have quit London for the EU by Christmas. It was going to be a stampede: seven banks were already buying in packing cases. There would be chaos, and every firstborn waif would be slain.

The Remain crowd hate the Mail. But hey: if it’s on message, then let’s gloat about how the Mail can’t be wrong.

Unfortunately for the EUnatics, the piece turned out to be a graduate of the Campbell school of journalism: it was completely made up.


But who might have wound the Fail up to write this drivel? Rumour has it that the ‘facts’ were supplied by ‘a well-connected PR outfit with excellent City sources’. Of which, Alastair Campbell and Tony Blair are directors. Allegedly.

“Le <Jungle> a été evacué!” ran the delighted headline in my Departement’s main newspaper. The general feeling among French voters – judging by the comment threads  and TV interviews here – was, “Well François, what took you so long?”

We have the advantage in France of having followed this story in the media since just after the turn of the year. Unlike the disgraceful blackout in the UK, French telly ran several gripping reports showing the anarchic sinbin formerly known as Calais. It’s a shame that Lily Allen, Yvette Cooper and Gary Spinnakar didn’t know about all this; but of course, ignorance didn’t hold them back.

To ensure that liberal delusionalism journalism didn’t rewrite history later, various journalists across Europe took some telling shots of large groups about to be Nimbied to Another Place (and where that might be also worries me). As with the reports I got from Budapest and Austria last year, the preponderance of Calais Camp dwellers were African negroid young adult males – not Syrian families bursting with tiny tots.

In her tweet below, this somewhat hardline lady nevertheless made the point in a nicely understated way. And one un-shopped photo speaks a million words:


When I was younger, I occasionally wondered if Orwell’s estimation of the willingness of Beleevers to accept any old tosh had been overstated in 1984. Now I think it was the other way round: it took a cage full of rats and being brainwashed in Room 101 before Winston Smith finally caved in and accepted that four fingers were really three. All it takes today is an influential MP or minor celeb to allege something, and the Truth is strangled at birth. RentaCause expert Keith Vaz got away with it for years.

Despite the insistence of the soi-disant progressives, this issue is not about race: it is first and foremost about pernicious spin; second, it is about Britain’s infrastructural costs, and lack of housing; and third, it is about security in the light of Britain’s existence as a magnet for Islamic radicals.

It is a target because of muddled human rights policies and – by far the biggest factor – licking the backside of unhinged US foreign policy. The Left despises mainstream citizens for holding that view (apart of course from the last bit) but the Left will never learn that clinging to arcane ideology is the fast lane to becoming an increasingly irrelevant pressure group.

I remember being vilified as a racist for making jokes about Recep Erdogan from 2009 onwards, but here too the ethnicity thing is a red herring: I’m not even sure what his DNA profile is, to be honest. But then, I knew far more about Erdogan’s, ahem, tendencies than all the Whiteminster Establishment who were desperate to curry favour with him. Curried favour, in fact, is one of Erdogun’s favourite dishes: a slowly made delicacy, during the cooking of which several EC clowns and a former German DDR Jugendführer are gently basted alive.

The dish doesn’t sell that well, costing as it does €30 billion. But Erdo the Mad’s diplomats are still flogging it very hard – along with the fantasy that increasingly Islamist Turkey is in some way a bulwark against ISIL, Da’esh, Procul Harem or perhaps even Darth Vader. This time, the Ankara chaps are hacked off about one of their escapee whistleblowers, sorry, coup planners, hiding under US protection.

So this is their threat:


Blimey, talk about escalation: “Give the bloke up or we’re going to hurt your ties“. Obama is one snappy-dresser cool dude, so he is going to take the threat seriously: the US defence system may even go to Defcom2, with the President’s wardrobe receiving 24/7 armed FBI protection.

Recep Erdogan does most things through the medium of threats: no doubt he got these foreign office types to bend to his will by hurting their ties. You can see the results for yourself…..just tragic. Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen was shown this shot last night; he’s been in intensive care ever since.

Meanwhile, the Cabinet Office is taking Imelda Maycos’s inability to engage with anyone about anything very seriously. So here we see someone from Uprising UK trying to change Theresa’s miserly image via the use of an enormous box of chocolates.


The confection – snappily entitled A Democracy that Works for everyone – is a selection so-called because every taste will be catered for, and nobody left out. Except for Waspis, that is: they’ll be given another much smaller box containing only the centres that nobody likes – elderberry cream nougat, toasted liquorice, lamb’s testicle and so forth.

Unfortunately, even on a box of this size, there wasn’t room for the full branding of MayorMayNot’s newly packaged sweeteners: A Democracy that Works for everyone I like among the filthy rich southern Smuggies and oiks who made their way into that élite by treading on lots of faces and fingers.

I loathe this kind of crap – not just because it’s an insult to the intelligence of a tampon, but because it’s Them spending Our money to persuade Us that They care….and not even making a good job of that.

Anyway, there you have it: the Mayflower crew’s alternative to Camerlot’s Big Society: Democratic Engagement. Yes, henceforth even very poor people from places such as Blackburn and Walsall will be allowed to get engaged and have their Banns read in a draughty but posh Church.

And so we say, “Three Chairs for Mother Theresa” and has she got a fat arse or wot?

An anagram of Google is ‘O, Leggo’. This is because the whole point of it is to enable advertisers to build little Leggo characters of each one of us, all individually different and special, despite only coming in three colours.

That is of course unfair and shockingly typical of my sort who just don’t want Britain to be Open For Business. Without Google, I would have to write blogs with things like ‘he used to play Trig in Fools and Horses’ and ‘capital of Uzbekhistan’ where the proper nouns should go. It enables me and millions of others to do research for a short story that takes two hours as opposed to two months. It is – no irony intended at all here – an amazing technical miracle.

But the problem with the Googlies is that they have lied through their fangs about giving their marketing clients anything they want to know about us for years. I once took this up with Ollie Letwin (then an Opposition spokesman on Comms) and his answer was Central Casting Neocon twit: “But Mr Ward, the service is free. They have to make their money somehow….Google isn’t a charity you know”.

This US tweeter below – who despite her Twitter name is extremely sharp and grounded – told us a couple of days ago that now Google has dropped even the pretence of data protection:


Which is fine for them to do, because opposition to what the corporate fascists have in mind is now in such disarray throughout the Western world, they don’t give a doodah about who knows it.

But it is not a fine thing they do here, because of course – while busy giving the dimensions of your genitals to most of Asia – they’re also up to this:


You know, Pottinger Bell may well one day rule the World: between falsifying Wikipedia entries and getting criticism removed for their clients, their growth possibilities are endless just on Google.

I’m not going to labour this point, because nobody under the age of 40 these days has an iota of a glimmer of a scintilla of an obscure clue why this means the end of their privacy, liberty, innocence, legal rights, security and contrarian power forever.

Suffice to say this: I would love to think that The Resistance could come up with a crowd-funded, mutual online search capability with a more intelligent search engine, and translation software that doesn’t produce gibberish. Because then we could destroy Google, and focus fulltime on vapourising Microsoft.

I am a non-violent extremist, please stop me before I tell the Truth again.

This week at The Slog: That new Brexit Five release in full