REVEALED: how Corbyn politburo’s radical action proposals demand expulsion of celery, weather, willies, juries and Jocks from our way of life.

mesmileSince his reelection as the already selected and elected leader of the UK Labour Party, Jeremy Corbyn has been making a lot of jam, and also several changes to his inner circle. In a major scoop (on a slow Friday afternoon, and thus a good time to put out such things of a Progressive nature) The Slog can now reveal some leaked minutes of this Politburo.

The leaks show for the first time just how wide the rift is between the eleven members of the Labour politburo, and the 41.15 million UK voters who aren’t members of the Labour politburo. It reveals how:

  • Rachael Maskell is pushing for the expulsion from Young Labour of more than 30,000 revisionist sticks of celery for their incessant racist attacks upon little fluffy wabbits who just want to be left alone to eat these racist scum and rid us of their disgusting filth once and for all.
  • Emily Thornberry has demanded that when Labour comes to power very soon indeed just you wait and see, Britain will join the EU climate and take full part in all future hurricanes, floods, heatwaves and balmy evenings eating outside getting pissed on Retsina and Fundador.
  • Kate Osamor has advanced plans to introduce the genital mutilation of First World Tories who spread the completely false myth of female genital mutilation in the Third World by entirely innocent Islamic pacifists
  • Diane Abbot’s first action as Home Secretary will be to make it not an offence to give offence. “We must go on the offensive from Day 1,” she told Jeremy Corbyn last week, “and give a fence away free to every minority group that feels threatened by anti-LGBT Nazi fascist bigots”. “Yes dear,” Jeremy replied.
  • John McDonnell will move swiftly to nationalise the calendar, and make November 25th Castro Day.
  • Sarah Champion has put forward a proposal to the National Executive Committee that the institution of marriage be replaced by an ecumenical Deed under her proposed Slavery Act. Under the Act, any man wishing to violate a woman by you know putting his engorged thing into her the way men do will first need to sign the Deed of Ownership, by which he becomes her slave with no rights whatsoever. “I doubt very much if anyone will notice the difference,” she remarked, “although the move to legalise the mass lynching of men by lesbian skinhead cross-dressing anarchists is an important step that I hope will be observed literally”.
  • Finally, radical street artist and MP for Haringey & Gorbals Angus McGenghis has been unanimously proposed as Shadow Minister without a portfolio. He has been tasked by Jeremy Corbyn with the initiation of a closer relationship with the Scottish National Party, of whom he recently said, “Och theer nought burra buncha neecorn lackey lickspattle globalast fackers and the’ell sell Scortlnd ti tha divvil oer ma deed bowdie an’ thassafarct”.

Yesterday at The Slog: Please Miss, may we have an Opposition?