Prior to Dad and Daughter double-act The Skripals disappearing from access to the media forever, our reclusively modest Foreign Secretary has wisely been adding some final touches to his watertight case against Adolf Putin, the homo-erotic KGB Putschist who kidnapped Russia some twenty years ago.

I was especially impressed by Mr Johnson’s explosive aerial photography of events inside Salisbury hospital:

Explaining this person-free pair of high-security beds, Boris (left) added, “Now look here, it’s as plain as a pikestaff for all to see that these beds are no longer occupied by the Skripals, because they recovered and will soon be somewhere else free from the infernal machinations of Putin and his murderous gang. So to all those Useful Idiots in the thrall of the Kremlin who said they were going to die, I have once again proved beyond a shadow of doubt that hard-left-wing reports of their death were just a load of poppycock and the opinion of one otherwise entirely sound Court of Protection Judge”.

Rejecting the photographs of insane anarchist trouble-makers showing that he was close to MI5 freelance anti-Russian agent Joseph Mifsud, the Foreign Secretary produced this indisputably genuine shot of himself on his own:

“Who can doubt,” Mr Johnson queries, “that I am merely circulating at an innocent drinkies jolly here in close proximity to someone I am now told was the hugely respected Chicago resident and Charity donor, Mr Alfonse Capone?”

So let us now put all propaganda nonsense aside, and get behind the Foreign Secretary’s noble mission to protect us from Russian imperialism by starting something he can’t control. For myself, I respect his vast experience in this field of endeavour, and will be observing his progress with approval where appropriate.

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