Here comes a perverted version of Christmas, Shopping madness, and sick-making BBC correctness

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Never let it be said that an ageing Baby Boomer like me turns his back on the traditional British Christmas. The following carefully considered poetic lines give the lie to such a heinous suggestion:

Clear the shelves and fill the trolley

fallalalala fallalala

deck the elves and buy more Bolly

fallalalala fallalala

The Christmas tide comes in this way

to wash our problems away

Borrow from the plastic lenders

fallalalala fallalala

Someone’s murdered on Eastenders

fallalalala fallalala 

Goodwill, peace and Mistletoe

tell Jess Phillips where to go 

Christmas message from Queen Brenda

fallalalala fallalala

Reveals son’s a gender bender

fallalalala fallalala

Andy outed as a Queen

Owen Jones has big wet dream 

End the day with telly then sack

fallalalala fallalala

Every star died 30 years back

fallalalala fallalala 

Boxing Day brings new hangover

Catch the ferry down at Dover 

Buy more hooch at Tesco Calais 

fallalalala fallalala

Get same feeling on New Year’s Day

fallalalala fallalala

***

There is something about the maternal provisioning instinct that goes completely tonto as we approach the 21st century Christmas. It is as though every corner shop, convenience store and hypermarket might be about to close forever in the expectation of an intergalactic nuclear war.

The small but exquisitely stocked épicerie in my local village doesn’t close until 8.30 pm Christmas eve. It opens again at 8.00 am on Boxing Day. Only five hour’s worth….but surely more than enough to feed the 5,000 who (allegedly) have descended upon all of us, the better to celebrate the Redeemer’s birth.

I therefore fail to see why this panic is in any way necessary. It seems to me that we have all been bamboozled into believing in the ancient Winter Solstice idea of feast before famine.

For myself, I see no locusts. My region here is bereft of poor men in sight gathering winter fuel. There are no desperate protein-seekers fighting over the fruit of chestnut trees.

Everything has been hijacked by Mammon.

IABATO – It’s All Bollocks And That’s Official.

***

Rapper invades Christmas in new BBC bonkers intervention.

The rapper concerned – Michael Ebenazer Kwadjo Omari Owuo Jr (better known as Stormzy) – will recite from Luke’s Gospel in a BBC One programme on Christmas Day. He told a group at Kensington Avenue Primary School in Thornton Heath, south London following the election that “Boris is a very, very bad man. You know like the big, bad wolf he’s gonna come down and blow your house up. That’s right, I don’t like Boris.”

I share Stormzy’s view of Boris Johnson. The bit I can’t get my head around is the BBC allowing airtime to such blatant bias on the most important day in the Christian calendar. (Had Broadcasting House featured Jimmy Tarbuck saying he was keen to have children with Boris Johnson, I would have been equally appalled).

Whatever happened to the BBC’s untarnished reputation as a free-thinking seeker after Truth?