At the End of the Day


Official: Saving three lives in ten thousand more important than planet, say experts


A team composed of climatologists, orthodontologists and virologists has just returned from a visit to China’s most polluted city, Gunkinlung. The city has been puzzling Chinese medical authorities since last November, as it has not recorded a single case of Covid19.

Next month, the team’s leader Hector Specter from the University of Palm Falls Nebraska will address the prestigious Society of Environmental & Incidentally Dental Continental Diseases in London in order to present the findings of the investigation.

It seems likely that Specter’s presentation will turn the upside of C19 virology to the downside, and bring yet more Michael Moore blood and Al Gorythms to the Global Warming furore. Our roving freeloader Saul Bollocks flew to Palm Falls and gained an inclusive interview with the Professor. His expenses chit is somewhat engorged, so this better be good.

SB: Can you just start please by telling Sloggers what you found in Gunkinlung?

HS: Of course. Basically, an enormous number of Chinese people.

SB: Fascinating. And how did they inform the theories you developed while out there?

HS: They didn’t – chiefly because I couldn’t understand a fucking word they said….

SB: …I see, and why was that, as I understand your are fluent in post-Mao Chinese?

HS: They all had terrible coughs and kept hacking up green sputum everywhere. It was a bit like double Dutch with added catarrh.

SB: Good God. I see. So….what is the life expectancy in Gunkinlung?

HS: On average, about 52. But the expectorancy is infinite.

SB: That’s terrible. And what causal factors did you discover?

HS: Coal.

SB: Coal?

HS: The very same. Breathing coal fumes is not good for a person. But on the other hand, Covid 19 cannot survive in any environment where the citizens are ingesting coal fumes. It is coal fumes that have kept Gunkinlung free of coronavirus.

SB: I see. So you think coal fumes are responsible?

HS: Certainly not. I think coal fumes are utterly and totally irresponsible. But they are very effective in stamping out this horribly deadly killer virus.

SB: So what will you be saying to your audience in London next month?

HS: Quite simply this: chuck out the central heating, dig up all the coal you can find and burn it 24/7. This will keep you entirely free of any threat from Covid19.

SB: Good God. But aren’t you recommending a strategy that will save the lives of only 0.03% of the human race while trashing everything else?

HS: Absolutely. Can you tell me how that makes me in any way different to Dr Anthony Fauci, Emmanuel Macron, Neal Ferguson, Bill Gates, Glaxo Smith Klein, the New York Times, The Guardian, the BBC, CNN, Bloomberg and Sir Mark Sedwill?

SB: That’s a toughie. Professor Hector Specter, thank you very much.

HS: It was my pleasure. Can I tempt you with some nutty slack on toast?

SB: Why not?